A, for Awesome

Effective Travel Tips for the Effective Traveler

2009-12-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

When traveling abroad there’s an ass load of things to consider – weather, socioeconomic status, and the countries general feelings on nudity and the odds of seeing a naked lady on television.

But! Weary traveler, life is not all bed knobs and broomsticks out there in the world! The world, if the news is to believed (it’s not), is possibly the most dangerous place ever and stepping out of your house, much less your country means certain doom, death, disease, dismemberment and disaster (the five "d's" of journalism).

But! Should you feel the call of the wild, the need to go out into the wilds and cross some stuff off your bucket list, it’s good to have an idea of what you’re dealing with. Sure, you can watch the Travel Channel, visit Lonely Planet, read Alex Garland’s The Beach, or read a guidebook.

No thank you to all that I say.

So here are some tips!

Avoid embarrassment; always check the local laws first. This cannot be stressed enough. Discovering once you’ve arrived at your destination that there was no need to keister what you keistered before you left is embarrassing and hard to explain to your friends, family and coworkers.
Try not to kill any of the locals either on purpose or on accident. This is good advice no matter where you are, unless your trip involves traveling through time to a time where you could get away with that behavior.
If you’re someplace that doesn’t accept the American Dollar (USA! USA!) as acceptable currency, shout at the cashier “I’M FROM AMERICA!” over and over until they accept it. (USA! USA!)
While trying to work out where to take your annual summer trip and it comes down to Paris or France, relax they are the same place.
While ordering food in a restaurant, remember that “tripe” is a cow’s stomach lining. So it’s up to you if you want to eat it or not. I wouldn’t. Blech!
Remember, USA! USA! USA! Oh, yeah, that’s right!
If you’re feeling amorous, but the downstairs needs a little pick-me-up, remember that anything that aims to solve “virility” or “potency” problems is probably made from an animals penis, testicles, lymph nodes, or fetus. Now try “doin’ it.” You can't, can you? Didn't think so.
USA! USA!
When communicating with the locals in Mexico, simply add an “ah” or an “oh” sound to the end of your words, depending on the gender agreement or whatever sounds good. Spanish-ah is easy-oh!
Some places will cut your head/hands/penis off if you’re pinched for drunk driving. So…yeah.
Eastern European Hostels’ are bait for rich Eastern European’s to recreationally catch and then recreationally dismember tourists. It’s your own fault for being in Eastern Europe, I mean really.
Reconsider where your life went wrong if you’re someplace that requires a Sherpa. Lets dial it down Sir Edmund Hilary.

Those are just the tips that I could think of. It’s your own fault if you follow them. Or if you don’t. I don’t care. I’m not leaving my house.

USA!

Facebook

2009-11-04T05:49:00.000-08:00

I'm giving some serious thought to starting a Facebook group for myself. There is only one reason to do such a thing, I AM IN LOVE WITH ME.

Where The Wild Things Are

2009-10-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

I recently went to see Where the Wild Things Are.

First off, I wasn't really into this book. Second off, what the fuck. The book left me, a kid with a lot of time on his hands, with a lot of questions -

1) Did parents REALLY send kids to bed without dinner?
2) How did he live on the boat for a year?
3) Where the hell was this island?
4) Why was he so okay with the monsters?
5) Had Max seen ANY Godzilla movies? Because if he had, he'd have known that an island full of monsters is bad news. It's an island of god damned monsters.

The movie, like the book, was beautiful. The design of everything, the burned out forest, the monsters fort, the amber colored sand dunes - gorgeous. The Wild Things were especially well done. The way they moved and interacted with their world was fantastic.

But other than that, the movie was...cold. I mean the voice acting was good. The regular acting was good. But, yeah...

The movie wasn't made for kids. It was made for adults who read the book when they were kids.

Spike Jones did a great job capturing the isolation and loneliness that kids go through - in that phase where they just don't get along with the rest of the world.

But he forgot the fun. If you're going to escape into a fantastic world, even if it's in your imagination, it should be fun. I want clues into where this island was, how the monsters got there etc.

Any kid who played with action figures knows you have to reconcile certain things - like why the Star Wars figure is with the GI Joe figure, why the ships/vehicles are of different scale, and where that Barbi came from when you're an only child and don't have any sisters.

But instead of fun, the movie was all mopey, whiny, bullshit.

Everybody (except me) Dies

2009-10-21T20:32:00.001-07:00

Like anyone in a tedious and mundane job, I spend most of my day daydreaming about death. Sometimes it's my death, sometimes it's someone else. It helps pass the time. Like anyone, I want to be remembered after I'm dead, I want to live forever in the pop culture lexicon - like Mr. Henne, the Balloon Dad, Jon & Kate and even Octomom. But unlike those go-getters, I plan to be remembered for my apathy and for having a really great funeral. I'm talking balloons, fireworks, maybe the cast of Mystere.

Before I get too carried away, let me be clear, I am never going to die. Like Hugh Heffner, Woodie Allen and Phoebe Cates. But if I were to die, which I'm not, it would be a good idea to have a plan. [NOTE: I can't plan my life for shit, but that's not the point.]

So, here is a list of people who I demand speak positively about me after my death (my hypothetical death, because I'm never going to die).

In no particular order...

(1) Frodo Baggins - Frodo is a good choice, if I do say so myself. I like his moxie. He's hip. He's happening.

(2) Bilbo Baggins - You can't have one Baggins without the other. I expect Bilbo to regale the crowd with tales of our journey through the Misty Mountains and how we fought dragon Smaug.

(3) Jay Z - I mean, really, why not? I think he would say nice things. He can even do songs off his less popular Blue Print album. Nas is a good substitute should Jay Z be unavailable.

(4) The Tree that was in my yard for the 6 months I lived in Denver - Trees are nice. They are good for climbing and building tree houses in and for being awesome.

(5) Stephen Fry - Everything seems nicer when Stephen Fry is talking about it. Besides, STEPHEN FRY!

(6) Alternate Universe Me - Fringe style me (who will probably have a sweet facial scar) to come and talk about me. Who knows me better than me, right? Right!

There is no reason why this can't work, why all these people can't come together to talk about my awesomeness and mourn my passing. I also don't see any problems with (a) I don't know these people, (b) not all of them are people, and (c) some of them are fiction. This is America. Make it happen.

A list of drinks that I made up:

2009-08-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

Drink 1) 1 oz grenadine, 1 oz grenadine, 1 oz grenadine, 1 splash peach schnapps. It's called the "Toothache."

Drink 2) 1 cup whiskey, 1 cup whisky, 1 cup bourbon. "It's called the I Hate Myself."

Drink 3) 1 tall glass of water, 1 tall bottle of sleeping pills. It's called the "Goodbye Cruel World."

Drink 4) 12 beers (consumed in 30 minutes). It's called the "I Hate The World, But Overall I'm All Right With Myself, Except For Maybe My Waist line."

Drink 5) 1 tall glass of tomato juice, 1 plan B pill, 2 ibuprofen. It's called the "Oops".

Bike Ride - what hurts.

2009-07-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

Just rode my bicycle for 3 hours and 15 minutes. I was riding up hills, around old people, through groups of moms and their strollers, and keeping up - ever so briefly - with guys who are actually in shape and have been on a bicycle more than once.

My thighs burned, my lungs felt like a furnace. But when I was all done and laying in the backseat of my car, do you know what hurt the most?

My nipples.

My Pathetic Weekend Plans - Saturday Edition

2009-07-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

Productivity is my new life's passion, this morning. And it involves making lists of things to do. I know that I have the type of personality that if I don't set a specific time table to accomplish tasks, then I'll sit around all day drinking coffee and thinking that it looks awfully hot outside. So below is my list for today, complete with time table.

Get Things Done Bitches:

7-9AM - Ride my bicycle

9-11AM - Wonder why I just took a 2 hour bicycle ride when I have a car and can drive places

11-1130AM - Get the oil changed on my car, get ripped off

1130 -12N - Take bicycle to get a tune up, get ripped off

12 - 1230 - LUNCH

1230 - 3P - Wonder where I went wrong in my life, cry

3 - 313P - Tell my dog to stop doing whatever he's doing, probably clean cat puke

313 - 5P - Stroll through Target, look at coffee makers

5 - 6P - Stroll through Barnes & Noble, but not in a creepy way, wonder again, where I went wrong and how I ended up wandering around Barnes & Noble on a Saturday.

6-8P - Devise a plan to make big changes that will result in money, fame, power. Women will want me, Men will want to be me. I'll be seeing YOU, Jon and Kate Plus 8, on the cover of US Weekly!

8 - 802PM - Decide that my plan is retarded and that it's the same kind of crazy that those mental patients on American Idol subscribe to, cry

802 - 815 - Remember that I should have mowed the lawn today, but it's too late now. Vow to do it tomorrow. Remind myself to figure out why the neighbors lawn is so much greener than mine is.

815PM - 12midnight - Fantasy cast A Game Of Thrones, cry

Employee Recognition Cards

2009-06-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

The company I work for likes to recognize its employees for a job well done. This is achieved through the formation of “committees”. We have two committees that I know of. There’s the “Fun Committee” that recognizes fun things and there’s the “Recognition Committee” that recognizes recognizable things.

The Recognition Committee got this idea to put “employee recognition cards” all over the office under the theory that if your peer does something great, you’d fill out one of the cards, put it in one of the Recognition Boxes and then the Recognition Committee would dig it out and post it on the Recognition Wall.

I recently discovered the Recognition Boxes.

I filled them out for everything.

One of my coworkers was moving to Alaska, for which I promptly filled out a recognition card for. “This is to recognize Jim for moving to Alaska.” “This is to recognize Scott for being mostly a jerk instead of a total jerk as per usual.” “This is to recognize Susan for saving the day that one time.” “This is to recognize Jane for boldly using the word ‘breeded’ in a sentence whilst on the phone with a customer who probably knew that ‘breeded’ isn’t a word.”

I lost interest in this exercise after about a week. Then, a month later, one of my coworkers – an emissary if you will - from the Recognition Committee approached me with a handful of Recognition Cards. He was very serious. His breath smelled like truck stop coffee and Marlboro Reds. By his demeanor, I thought he was coming to tell me he hit my car in the parking lot. In a very serious voice he asked me to stop filling out recognition cards. Apparently I wasn’t taking them seriously.

I listened to everything he had to say and, after a brief temper tantrum, told him that I appreciated his coming to me in this matter. It was a good meeting. When he was finished and out of the room I filled out another recognition card recognizing him for talking about recognition card abuse. Lesson learned, sir, lesson learned.

Things I've Learned Today

2009-06-15T22:20:00.001-07:00

For some reason I decided that I was going to learn something new every day. It can be one thing, or two things, or if I'm feeling fancy - three things. So, here is what I've learned today. A word of warning: I hope you're all sitting down as you read this as the information that I am going to share may shake the very foundation of your being!

(1) Iran. Everything is going fine in Iran. Every vote has been counted (in advance! Fancy!). Everything is just fine. Democracy is really working great. Also, despite all of the hullabaloo, they have not changed their feelings on Israel (they hate them).

(2) A second warning - this one is a two parter. If you ever call someone on the telephone, and that person has needlessly jazzed up their phone service to one that instead of the standard "ring-ring" that that is common on telephones, the phone plays you a song while "your party is located*".

The music that plays will be horrible. It will be, without a doubt, the worst music in the world. It will also tell you a lot about the person you're calling, whether their desperate for marriage, longing for their days at the club, or if they are assholes. NOTE: That last one is a given. If they use this service, they are assholes.
These people should probably not be in your life in any capacity. And especially don't let them near children or liquor.

Suburban tracker, Rage Pee and the Bicycle Store

2009-06-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I experienced something that terrified me and made me almost pee my pants out of rage.

I went looking for a bicycle store in Redmond. Not just any bicycle store, but a store specifically called Performance Bike. Performance Bike is great because I can save five dollars if I shop there. Totally worth it. Totally. Worth it. In retrospect, still totally worth it.

So, Redmond is not very big when compared to real cities like Los Angeles or New York or Seattle. Redmond has a mall and also Microsoft. And a lot of millionaires. And about five dozen Starbucks. But other than that, it should be easy enough to find one lousy bike store.

I don't need a map to find Performance Bike, I know just where it is. I don't even need a navigation system, I'll use my suburban tracking skills to find this place. Just like my dad and my dad's dad before him.

It takes me a half hour driving around Redmond to find the bike store, everything is going perfect. But it wasn't. This wasn't the store I was looking for. This was Sammamish Bike. It wasn't the bike store that could save me five dollars. This bike store was worthless to me.

I was lost. Reality was setting in. The reality that I had no idea where Performance Bike was.

Then the terrifying thing happened. In that instant, parked outside of Sammamish Bike, I turned into my father. Like Dr. Jekyll turning into Mr. Hyde. Like Bruce Banner turning into the Incredible Hulk.

I found myself filling with rage and it was all Performance Bikes fault. How DARE they not being where I expected them to be. How DARE they?!?! It was Performance Bike's fault that I was lost. Performance Bike was at fault for all of my insecurities and faults. I was, in that moment, my Dad. I was flipping out irrationally and if a five year old me was in the back seat he'd have been frightened and nervous.

But then I calmed down and found it fifteen minutes later.

Hello?

2009-02-16T12:19:00.001-08:00

Is this thing on?

The 1st & 2nd Most Depressing Things Today

2008-12-17T10:05:00.000-08:00

The Most Depressing Thing Today, Number 1:

This weekend I was reintroduced to a delicious treat known as the Hot Buttered Rum. My first introduction was when I was eight years old and I stole some from my Dad at Christmas. To my delicate eight year old palate, it was very gross. A zillion years later I had my second, which was this weekend. This time it was AWESOME.

As I'm going to be stuck here while the plumbers and the water cleaner-uppers have their way with my garage, my bank account and my child-like innocence, I thought I might zip to the liqueur store for the appropriate supplies. Also, the impending Snow Apocalypse looming on the horizon will make driving a hassle and I don't want a Hot Buttered Rum bad enough to use Four Wheel Drive to get one.

So off I went, and arrived at the store thirteen minutes later. The lights were on at the store, this was going to be no problem. This was going to be a simple in-and-out operation.

They were closed. Apparently it was nine thirty in the morning. According to the sign on the front, they open at ten. Then it dawned on me that perhaps I'm an alcoholic as I was at the liqueur store (a) before noon, and (b) before they were open.

The Most Depressing Thing Today, Number 2:

I was not the only one. There were at least three other people looking for some early morning booze.

I have to go lie down now.

The Super Awesome Adventures of A. Jonathan Cox

2008-12-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

I rule. I rule so hard that I had both the Fire Department AND the Police Department at my house today. That's right sucka-faces! I roll two public services deep! Apparently one of our water pipes (not a bong) exploded and spent the rest of the afternoon spraying water all over the inside of my garage. The water, as I imagined it, was like the water show at the Bellagio, but with less music.

I'm not sure how the Fire Department got involved as this is the exact opposite of a fire, but nonetheless, they broke into my house (via a very long ladder and a slightly ajar window). From there they let their cohorts, the Police, in through the front door. It's an ingenious scheme really. The fuzz, using their top notch detective skills, found my wife's phone number in her check book that was on the counter.

About twenty minutes later I bombed into my driveway and parked next to the cops. They gave me the low down, wished me good luck and then went home to their houses that are not flooded. And I spent the rest of the afternoon calling plumbers and water cleaner uppers.

Several lessons were learned...

(1) When a plumber says "yeah, we can have someone out there tonight and totally save the day, no problem, you can count on me," what they really mean is "I'll tell you what you want to hear and then someone from my office will call you to reschedule because I don't know what I'm talking about. "

(2) When the water cleaner-upper says "yeah, we can have someone out there tonight and totally save the day, no problem, you can count on me," what they really mean is "I'll tell you what you want to hear and then someone from my office will call you to reschedule because I don't know what I'm talking about."

(3) The water pipe (not a bong) that leads to the spout on the side of my garage actually runs through the uninsulated attic, and not through the insulated wall like I thought. Huh. Who knew?

(4) The mysterious blue knob on the other side of my garage actually shuts the water off to aforementioned pipe. Huh. Who knew?

(5) I rule harder than I previously thought.

Hey...

2008-12-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

I should really update this thing...

November 4, 2008

2008-11-04T21:40:00.000-08:00

Awesome.

The Magical, Singing and Dancing 25 Hour Day!

2008-11-02T09:18:00.001-08:00

Today is the twenty five hour day! The "turn the clocks back day"! Yeah! It's so awesome that I need to change pants. It's a whole extra hour to reflect quietly on the passage of time and marvel at the futility of life. Or look at porn, whatever works for you.

The Indestructible Weird Lady

2008-10-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

I believe that somewhere in the world there is a person who is indestructible and I believe that this person has been found. I believe this person to be Amy Winehouse.

From what the Internet has told me, she's a singer of sorts. The Internet has also told me that she can snort, smoke and shoot all the drugs in England and somehow not die. That is fantastic, though quite terrifying. If this Internet Data is to be believed (and I don't know why you wouldn't trust information from the Internet), she was once a semi normal human being and has now turned into some sort of cocaine fueled bog monster or a sub-par Morticia Addams impersonator.

In closing, I salute you, Amy Winehouse, o' Indistructible Weird Lady.

Old Folks Home

2008-10-01T23:05:00.000-07:00

Things I do when I'm finished moving my wife's grandmother into an old folks home while loitering for some reason at said old folks home:

1) Wonder what they're having for dinner
2) Wishing I lived there, because it's AWESOME! I found out what they're having for dinner. It's ribs.
3) Pick up the ladies. Seriously, they love me.

Doomsday, a movie review

2008-09-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

The movie Doomsday, written and directed by the guy who did The Descent (awesome!). Doomsday is shit. Real shit. If you take all the cool parts from all the cool sci-fi movies you've seen since, oh, 1970, and cram them together with some Rhona Mitra sprinkled on top, you've got Doomsday.

The results, not so good. In fact, it's quite bad.

The highlight of the movie was when the leader of the post-apocalyptic gang who is pretty much the Scottish version of that Australian guy with the Mohawk from Mad Max dances to a Fine Young Cannibals song. Yeah, that's the highlight.

Debate!

2008-09-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

I can't help but think that we might be doomed. Also, McCain can't raise his arms. I think that a president should have full movement of all of his limbs. Yeah, that was a stab a Bob Dole, I pick on old people. Deal with it.

On Beer

2008-09-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been drinking beer like I'm getting paid for it. Let's be honest, THAT WOULD BE THE BEST JOB EVER!

Yeah! Alcoholism! High five!

How To Make A Librarian Go Ape Shit

2008-09-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

If you're sitting around, bored on a Saturday wondering how to make your local Librarian go completely ape shit, here is how you do it.

How to make a Librarian go ape shit:

(1) Ask how one would go about censoring books, should one want to go about censoring books.
(2) Casually mention that you're ok with the Patriot Act, especially the part about censoring books and/or keeping track of the books that people buy/check out.

And that's it. Pretty easy actually. Those Librarians...they're hilarious with their "standards" and their "Constitution".

(EDIT: Turns out "apeshit" is actually two words. Who knew? Librarians, that's who.)

Things That Keep Me Up At Night

2008-09-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

About twice a week I can't sleep. Instead of spending my nighttime hours preparing my mind, body and soul for the work day ahead of me, I make mental lists of things that keep me awake.

Here is this weeks list.

This Palin lady. She terrifies me.
The LHC creating a black hole that destroys our planet. I'm starting to be ok with this.
President Palin.
Lauren Conrad's three book deal.

I think we're doomed.

So Long and Thanks for All The Fish

2008-09-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

The world is probably going to come to an end on September 10th, which is just my luck because I don't become eligible for a new iPhone until September 11th. That just figures. Stupid AT&T and their stupid rules and their stupid contracts. Stupid iPhone for being so awesome that it wakes me up at night with it's awesomeness.

Apparently I'm not the only one concerned about reality being turned in on itself, or a teensy tiny black hole that sucks the Earth into another dimension. I don't know if these death threat people are also eligible for the iPhone on the 11th, but I certainly hope so. I share their concern.

In the meantime I'm going to hold off on paying some of my bills. I'm wait and see how this plays out first.

Here's a rap to explain it.

Thank you Telegraph and The Beeb

(UPDATE: I got an iPhone and the earth hasn't been swallowed up by a teensy black hole.)

RNC: The Game!

2008-09-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you're aware, but there's a lot of round, rosy cheeked white people gathered in St. Paul. It's the Republican National Convention and...it's on television! It needs a game!

So here's the game that I just made up. The gist is that you get a point when someone says one of the buzz words below (words are subject to change). Some words are double points and some are triple. Words most likely to be said during the pontification are worth less points.

At any time during the game, the word "point" may be substituted with the word "drink".

I should have mentioned that last part earlier.

SINGLE WORDS (If you hear these words, in any order)

One Point Words (One Drinkers, likely words):
Them, I, then, but, and, a, it, it's, its, there, they're, their, can, has, have, had, the, but, other, future, generations, children, gas, experience, leader, leadership, reform(er), maverick, Alaska, side, patriot, kittens, Maverick (capital M), experience, corrupt, war, Iraq, vice, President, Clinton, Hillary, Bill, Biden, Obama, Democrats, immigration, constitution, family, values, puppy, football.

Two Point Words (Double Drinkers, less likely words):
Gustov, Lieberman, Law & Order, Fred Thompson.

Three Point Words (Triple Drinkers, least likely words):
Jeb, moose, hockey, ball(s), shit, Gerard Depardieu, Led Zeplin, mother fucker, Gisele Bundchen.

BONUS PHRASES (if you hear these words, in this order, then you get points. Let's say five points. Or drinks. Or whatever.)

The Phrase that Pays
But that's not why I'm/we're here today...

The Bonus Phrase that Pays
I think this post ran out of steam...

Good luck!

Moby

2008-08-17T18:25:00.001-07:00

Moby's music gets kind of annoying after a while. Due to some iPod mismanagement I've listened to 20 of Moby's songs in a row and I think that I've reached my Moby threshold. Now I'm at 21 songs in a row. I need to fix this or I'm going to have a freak out.

What is THE greatest movie robot since Johnny Number Five?

2008-07-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

Wall E. Yeah. Holy sheet, man. Also, Jeff Garlin is the best voice of a cruise ship captain from the future.

Anyone who says "what about R2D2?" has not seen "The Phantom Menace".

Anyone who says "Robbie the Robot from Forbidden Planet" might have a point, but I'm all caught up in Wall E right now and can't be bothered with Robbie the Robot.

What is THE greatest rock song in the history of Rock and Roll?

2008-07-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Easy. THE greatest rock song in the history of rock and roll is , hands down, Foreigner's "Juke Box Hero". Yeah. That's right.

Now most of the people who read this are my age - these are the people whose knee jerk reaction is to say some bullshit from Guns and Roses. Anyone who says this is wrong. Guns and Roses is a good band - no, that's not true - there are good parts to the band of Guns and Roses. Slash, sure. Matt Sorem, sure (but only for his involvement with The Cult). But they never produced a song as awesome as Juke Box Hero.

Yeah. Suck it.

Also, the 2nd best is "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats. But I'm open to debate on this one. I just like that song. Mostly because I misspell "safety" every time the song comes to that part.

rant.

2008-07-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Really?

What was wrong with the original? Admittedly there was less Keanu...but still...

If anything is to be learned from movies in the last ten years it's that effects don't make the movie and this movie looks like it's going to be pretty effects heavy. Now, effects are rad when used sparingly and serve the story (I'm looking at you, CGI baby in Children of Men...and if I just clued you in that the baby was fake then my point has been made) but when they're done for the hell of it...it just feels empty (Star Wars Episode One).

Science Fiction remakes tend to suck balls (Gojira, I mean 1998s Godzilla). But then again when they don't suck balls, they are pretty awesome (John Carpenter's The Thing). So it's a toss up.

The point of this goes further than the effects, but it's the storytelling. For reference I suggest putting the Twilight Zone (season's 1-4), the Tom Baker era of Doctor Who, Forbidden Planet and The Thing from Another World into your Netflix queue. They are all great stories that are light on effects (they were expensive and didn't go much further than hiring a guy to paint a 'martian looking' backdrop) and heavy on story - instead of the other way around. The story unraveled like you were watching it on stage, slow, methodical and ultimately more satisfying.

Who am I kidding, I'll go see it, but I won't enjoy it - at least not if I have anything to say about it.

Take THAT England

2008-07-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

Ah, Independence Day. Good times. The anniversary of the day America doffed our caps, loaded our muskets and said a big "no thank you" to England. Though I believe that this message was delivered with messenger-bullets, but that's just how say that we want to see other people (take THAT, England). Apparently there was also some business with tea and white people masquerading as Indians. I never really understood the point of the tea business but I am certain that like all defiant acts committed during a revolution, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time (take THAT, England...sorry for the racism Indians...).

The Forth of July is the anniversary of the day that our pasty faced and powdered wigged forefathers made a solemn oath to never live under an oppressive king-like ruler (unless we're fighting terror). I believe that the decision also made to appropriate good British TV shows and turn them into bad-but-sometimes-ok American TV shows (take THAT, England). Also, they decided that this would be the day that we came together as a nation to blow shit up that's not another country (we can do that on any day and don't need an occasion/reason to do it). Why? Because we're America that's why so fuck you for even asking.

So, I will spend the day simultaneously giving England the bird while watching reruns of Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC America, failing to understand the appeal of soccer and maybe reading Jeeves and Wooster.

Take THAT, England.

My Awesomeness has been challenged...

2008-06-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

Something tells me that if the Tony's were as interesting as this that more people will watch. But something else tells me that will never happen. And a third thing tells me that I am super awesome, which is true, I am super awesome. It should be noted that my awesomeness is challenged by this gentleman, Mark Rylance. [Edit: I'd like to point out about 17 seconds in, Howard Stern's movie wife totally grabs his ass. Nice work Mark Rylance, nice work indeed.]

Phil Collins...

2008-06-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't think that anyone else understands the genius of Phil Collins' "...Hit's" album in quite the same way that I do.

Root Beer Floats Follow Up Post

2008-06-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I should also like to recommend "Cutties" from Trader Joes. They're made with genuine Toffuti, which, if the packaging is to be believed, a dairy treat mined from cattle in South America. Actually none of that is true, but they are tasty ice cream sandwich-esque tasting ice cream sandwiches.

If You're in Oregon

2008-06-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

If you're in the Oregon area, please keep an eye out for my phone. I've lost it. It's small, black, flippy style and made by Samsung. There's lots of pictures of my cat on it, he's gray and looks pissed off all the time. You'll know it when you see it. I'm pretty sure that the phone is somewhere in the vicinity of Portland.

Also, if you're the person who got a hold of it and thought it would be funny to send text messages to my wife, I hope that you are either dead or on your way to being dead. Since you're the type of person who sends text messages to strangers, I'm assuming that the latter is the case. And I hope that you don't just die, but die a horrible death with venereal disease, thumbtacks, and that you receive routine punches to the face and/or sternum.

Work Conversation

2008-06-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Working in customer service means that there is a revolving door of employees. They come and they go with the tide or the phases of the moon. (Edit: These may be the same thing, I've got the boys in the lab working on sorting that out.)

The company I work for recently hired several new employees. One of them hung up some vacation photos of a fishing trip she took with her kid. One of my coworkers used this as an opportunity to engage in some "get to know you" conversation. "Get to know you," conversations are awesome because run the dangerous risk of becoming awkward. It's like russian roulette with words, where seemingly casual questions can be answered with things like "I've got cancer," or "he's dead now," or "we're divorced."

"Is that your daughter?" asked my coworker pointing at a photo of a ten year old girl holding a fish. The photo was clearly taken at the end of a long, sun drenched day.

"Yeah, we went fishing with my uncle," said the new lady.

"Boy, she's really got a tan," he said casually

"She's half african american," said the new lady.

Slight pause.

"You look like you got some sun too," he said.

That "crashing" noise was me falling off my chair in laughter and peeing my pants a little.

The problem with Star Wars

2008-06-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

The problem with Star Wars is that you reach a certain age where the movies just don't make sense. For example I present the following line that is repeated throughout the series:

"Search your feelings Luke/Anakin..."

What the fuck does that even mean? It's gibberish... How does one search their feelings? If one could search their feelings, what would they find out? If they're feeling mad and then "search their feelings" they'd find out that they are still mad? What kind of pseudo zen bullshit is that?

I'm still going to go see the new computer animated movie though, because really, the best parts of the recent ones are the parts without any people.

Fun Fake Word of the Day

2008-06-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

The Fun Fake Word of the Day is:

dragonologists

See a poorly written article to see it used in a sentence

A trip down Nerd Street

2008-06-14T19:57:00.001-07:00

This movie was pretty good, not super awesome, but good. The CGI Hulk was fair, but showed emotion and seemed alive (this is a feat). And, as George Lucas once said (and I swear he said this in the eighties when Return of the Jedi came out on VHS) - a movie w/ special effects and no story is going to suck. I'm paraphrasing because I was 13 when he said it. Anywhoo...

Superhero movies are a tough nut to crack, when they're good, they are very good. Movies such as Ironman, Batman, Batman Begins and X Men 2.

When they are bad, holy shit are they bad. I refer to both Fantastic Four movies, The Punisher (Dolf Lundgren version), The Punisher (Thomas Jane version), the upcoming Punisher: War Zone (that guy from Rome version), Spawn, X Men 3, Superman Returns, Daredevil, Electra, and finally Spiderman 3.

The list of shit Superhero movies far outweighs the list of good ones. I'm sure that it has to do with the movie makers only having a passing acquaintance with the source material (I just read that sentence I sound like an AICN douche...Jesus).

Allegedly Edward Norton and the Director McFrenchie McTransporter guy wanted a longer version of the movie. It's anyone's guess whether the additional minutes are quality or if they suck. We'll probably find out when the 2 Disk DVD is released.

On the whole, as far a Hulk movies go, it's a pretty good one. Though I'm interested in the fact that no one seems to take advantage of the thematic similarities between Bruce Banner/Hulk and Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. The difference between the two is "I've got a monster inside me" and "I've got a FUCKING monster inside me". For some reason the latter is far more interesting (to me). The Hulk by itself is boring, Banner by himself is also boring. Bruce Banner terrified of the Hulk, not just turning into the Hulk, is exciting and more of an emotional struggle. As it played out in this movie, it seemed that he was a guy trying to cure the common cold. It wasn't as life or death as it could have been, which is where the movie fell flat.

On the upside, it's got Liv Tyler in it and she's hot. Also, it follows the "New Superhero Movie Formula" where the Superhero fights a bigger, badder version of said Superhero.

Root Beer Floats

2008-06-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

If you want to turn your awesome level up a couple of notches and at the same time revisit your childhood then I recommend to you - sirs and/or madams - the fine treat known as the root beer float.

Seriously.

Make yourself one posthaste.

You can thank me later.

Mars Thingy

2008-05-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

A new Mars Thingy, that we flung in the general direction of Mars almost a year ago, landed on Mars (instead of crashing into it, as is usual for these things) and man, Mars looks kind of boring. It looks like a really huge, shitty, beach filled with dudes wondering where all the girls went.

Also, the Mars Thingy does not look like Wall E, which is a shame.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-05-26T09:54:00.001-07:00

Ha ha! You guys got me again! I hope you spend my five bucks better than I spent it!

First off: this is not the first time I've been duped by a sequel to a movie that was super awesome twenty years ago - I'm looking in your direction Star Wars.

Second off: there are two things that every Indiana Jones movie should have (of which this current installment had neither) - (1) something about Jesus and/or God and/or the end of the world; and (2) Nazi's and/or Kate Capshaw.

Third off: Shia Labouf-bang-bing-bong Esq.'s character should have been named "Johnny Exposition". He also, for some reason, combed his hair frequently that I'm sure looked totally awesome when the fine movie makers typed it into Final Draft. SIDE NOTE: for some reason his hair combing got a few laughs in my theater, I do not understand this.

Forth off: For you nit-pickers out there, lots of shots didn't match. If you want to play a game - count how many times something (like a corpse's head, for example) is pointing one way on the wide shots and then is pointing the OTHER way when they go in for the close up. Fun!

The Economy

2008-05-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

$20 is the new $5

Also, $5 in gas just to tide you over for a while is the new $30 in gas just to tide you over for a while.

Dear Black Eyed Peas, circa 2002

2008-04-19T21:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Black Eyed Peas, circa 2002,

I miss you guys. The 2008 version of your band kind of sucks. I just don't get "Fergie", if that's her real name, she's responsible for some of the worst music since the cavemen started banging rocks together.

Word to your moms,

A. Jonathan Cox

Weather Machine

2008-04-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Peoples of the Pacific Northwest,

I really hate to do these sorts of things, but here is an apology. I inadvertently left my weather machine on on Friday afternoon. Yeah. That's right.

Sorry about the snow. You know what they say, April Snow brings May...ok I don't know what the saying is about snow in April.

Anywhoo...I will soon be taking the world hostage, much like Sean Connery in the Avengers movie. So, yeah, start saving those quarters.

Sincerely,

A. Jonathan Cox

I said this...

2008-04-11T19:48:00.001-07:00

http://katekarma.blogspot.com/2008/04/nola-quote-1.html

It's true. As any straight man who is totally hip/awesome/kickass and voting for Obama, I have to draw the line at guys without pants.

Dear American Airlines,

2008-04-11T19:45:00.001-07:00

Dear American Airlines,

I. Hate. You.

Sincerely,

A. Jonathan Cox

PS. Trader Joe's Dunkelweizen beer is kind of gross. I don't recommend it.

PPS. Though I DO recommend it to you, American Airlines Executives, because you guys are dicks.

PPPS. I mean seriously, I doubt that you were totally caught off guard by the safety issues in your airplanes. You were perfectly ok with your planes flying around and had to wait for the Federal Government (the masterminds behind Katrina relief and the war in Iraq) to step in and tell you that your planes were dangerous. I mean, how dangerous were they? I imagine something like rocks with wings.

PPPPS. Not that I'm ungrateful for your airline getting me to my destination safe and not blown up, but I'm pretty sure that if Dante was still rocking he'd amend the Divine Comedy and crowbar an 8 1/2 circle (aka concourse C of the DFW airport). I spent ten hours there. I messed with Texas and got stuck in purgatory. Thank you.

PPPPPS. Have a Dunkelweizen on me, jerks. It's a gross ass beer...

A Timely Post (Ha!)

2008-03-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Standard time, or whatever it’s called when you “fall” back and get a bonus hour in your day, is the best. It’s like an economic stimulus package for your watch.

Of course you pay it back when daylight savings time rolls around. Stupid 23 hour day, I really like being late all day and then tired for the rest of the week. Thank you Benjamin Franklin, you prick.

All of this is to illustrate why tax time in 2009 is going to totally suck a goats balls.

Another look into the tea leaves

2008-03-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

As I looked into the tea leaves, not on purpose but because I poured the hot water in too fast and the bag exploded, I had a vision. A vision of the future. A vision of the future of Eliot Spitzer’s high priced prostitute, Ashley What’s-her-name.

Behold, the future… in chronological order...starting...now!

There will be an unauthorized biography hitting the shelves of your local drug store in approximately three to four weeks. In it, her name will be spelled thirteen different ways.

She will testify against Eliot Spitzer for some sort of thing, prostitution probably, all the while rejecting all media appearances.

There will be a movie, unauthorized, but with significant input from her former pimp Charming McSleezo. This movie will air on the Lifetime Movie Network and will be quite similar to Pretty Woman. There will also be a touching scene where, after a taxing coitus-for-cash scene, she hugs a stuffed bear. The bear that has been with her the whole time and is a link to her lost childhood. She will also be revealed as a dude. Shocking twist ending!

She will reject offers to be in Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler. Despite being offered one meeelion dollars to do so.

Joe Francis will go back to jail, fathers everywhere will be relieved.

There will be a great deal of nothing going on, mostly because the economy will take a shit and we’ll all be shoveling coal and stop caring.

The economy will bounce back and everything will be awesome and we’ll all have gotten ripped from shoveling so much coal.

There will be another sex related scandal and Ashley What’s-her-name will be the new “go to” prostitute/madam/sex worker advocate to be interviewed on AC360 and Nancy Grace (my wife loves that shit). Heidi Fliess is going to be piiisssseeeddd.

Her authorized book will hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble. In it she will tell a story that’s a lot like Pretty Woman. Her dad was abusive, her mom withdrawn, and she had no choice but to chase her dreams of music stardom by hooking. She'll probably also mention a mental illness of some sort. We’ve all been there.

Obligatory Dr. Phil appearance.

A “homemade” “porn” “movie” will “accidentally” be for “sale” on the “internet”. Her reps (read: mother who is suddenly back in her life) will say it’s not her, but we all know that it is.

She will eventually accept the offer to appear in Hustler, but for a significantly lower page rate…I’m talking like five dollars.

She will open her own bordello, legally, in some backwoods county in Nevada that no one in their right mind would go to. Location, location, location.

Yeah. The future looks awesome.

Jumper

2008-03-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

Jumper. Proof that everyone, even the big fancy pants Hollywood types in leased Porches, have a mortgage to pay. I'm looking in your direction there, Samuel L. Jackson.

The Cloverfield Warning

2008-01-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the motion picture "Cloverfield". You know, the one with the clever marketing campaign that made me think that this movie would be awesome and that for some reason JJ Abrams is genius. The warning warned me that going to the movie may upset my delicate stomach and cause my lunch to spontaneously reposition itself to the tops of my shoes. The warnings outside theaters showing Cloverfield were not nearly good enough. I have written a more appropriate warning notice that should be pasted at all theaters posthaste:

Dear theater patrons,

We regret that you have chosen to spend your afternoon watching this movie. But that is your decision, not ours - we'd much rather you watch that movie about the dresses. I don't know what it's about but it's got the knocked up broad in it and she has to show her gams sooner or later and we have to stay vigilant. Anyways, here are a few warnings for you to think about while you sit in line for Cloverfield and wonder where your life went wrong.

Warning (1): The filming style of Cloverfield is rubbish. Well, the "filming style" is fine - it's all shaky! neat! It's filmed in a way that is only clever to those who haven't seen The Blair Witch Project...and seriously, who hasn't seen The Blair Witch Project? If you haven't then you're too young to see this movie. Start forming a line for Horton Hears a Who or whatever.

Warning (2): If you're still with us, here is another warning. And it's with the actual film itself. So, if you want to be subjected to the worst "wedding testimonial" style film with shit characters and shit story and a monster that's straight from a video game (for some reason), then go for it bucko, this movie is for you.

Warning (3): Seriously, this movie is shit. If you still intend on sitting through nearly ninety minutes of celluloid watching hipsters in hip clothing and hip jobs run around looking off camera and insisting that they are doing something important and hip and that they are capable of doing more than growing sweet Don Johnson meets Chuck Norris style beards and looking forlorn. (I just reread the last sentence and it's totally awesome, they'll teach this style of writing to MFA students) But what you are actually seeing is an acting school exercise. Seriously, try it at home. Cloverfield Acting exercise: Your brother, that you apparently barely care about, died horribly and you're talking on your cell phone about it - ok, action! Wow. You moved me. See! You did great, now you too have what it takes to make it in the movies!

Warning (4): This movie will make you reevaluate your priorities. You'll go into the theater, wanting to see some kick ass monster doing some kick ass things and then some bull shit about humanity and the struggle to live on etc - this notion is a fantasy. After the first five minutes of the most awkward going away party ever, you'll want the monster to eat them and you'll want it to do it as soon as possible.

Warning (5): Don't expect to find out why the monster attacked New York. "just because it felt like it" was a good enough answer for all the guys in suits at the movie studios, so it should be good enough for you. Also, don't look for a lot of logic in this movie. Cell phone towers don't get overloaded, and only three people in all of New York think to hide in the subway. Sure. Why not.

Warning (6): You probably have high hopes for this movie, you have been duped.

Warning (7): Also, and this is the final warning, the camera moves around a lot, so if you get all pukey playing Forza or driving yourself to Ross to get some jeans, then you may get motion sick. I envy you, sir, and your motion sickness. At least you have something to look forward to. The rest of us have to watch this crap movie.

Warning (8): The coolest parts were in the previews. Going away party. Some dude named Rob. Monster. Fin. That's it. Yippeee.

Phone

2007-10-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in the market for a new cell phone because mine is a serious piece of crap. I'm rocking the Samsung Something-Or-Other. It's the black flippy model, you may have seen it around. It's a terrific alarm clock that sometimes makes phonecalls and takes mediocre photos. Also, it has tetris.

Apparently there is more than one cell phone on the market, which taxes my already horrible decision making skills (please, look at the rest of my life) to the extreme. There are all sorts of brands in all sorts of colors. Some have keyboards. Some look like they're from the future (I'm looking at you iPhone). I will undoubtedly choose the wrong phone. It's like going to a restaurant with too many items on the menu.

The phone that will ultimately suit my needs will be the phone that does its primary task of making telephone calls the best. I want a phone that will make telephone calls from under ground, in the event I'm ever stuck in a cave. I want which ever brand the Mole Men use. Mole Men, as we all know, live their entire lives under ground on ginormous digging machines where they try to destroy mankind. They must have developed some kind of means of underground communication. I want to find out who provides their cell phone service and I want to buy a cell phone from them.

Mole Man phone. Yeah. Get on it.

clever, bastards

2007-10-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

When I'm feeling particularly clever I like to refer to Radiohead as "our generation's Pink Floyd". I should point out that I'm usually saying this to my cat who just doesn't get the reference. However, they've done this -

http://www.inrainbows.com/

Pay whatever you feel like. I paid about twelve dollars - yesterday's conversion rate, I don't know what it converts to today - probably thirty dollars or something. I paid the amount that I'd pay at the record store (if record stores still existed) and still be able to sleep at night.

Clever. When bands/record companies are busy taking people to court and firing off strongly worded letters about being "pirates", Radiohead lets you pay what you want - pretty much saying, "Here's our new album, pay us whatever you feel is appropriate. It's up to you. We would rather people listen to it than not. We'd also rather not share the profits with the guys with business degrees and tailored suits. Those guys give us the creeps. Besides, people shouldn't own more than one tie, just saying..." Though they are saying this in weird Radiohead code, but that's the gist of it.

Bravo, sirs.

Once the hubbub about the music delivery system has settled down - they've still put out a good album. Once Radiohead gets into your blood it's impossible to see anything they do as sub par. In Rainbows is good. A nice addition to my Radiohead Master Mix that's on my sweet new iPod. I'd have been upset if the album turned out to be gibberish, but it's not. It's kick ass.

Dos bravos, sirs.

Radiohead, our generation's Pink Floyd.

Tres bravos, sirs, for synergy.

Post It Notes

2007-10-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I throw pads of Post Its at my coworkers. And sometimes I throw them with frightening accuracy. I explain this by explaining, in great detail, that I was raised by a family of ninjas.

Wisdom

2007-10-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

One must be properly embibed to fully appreciate powertools. Also, said embibed person weilding said powertools is also pretty awesome at building things using the "cut thrice, measure never" method of DIY construction. This is wisdom that you cannot pay for, except with fingers and self esteem.

This. Is. Awkward.

2007-10-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

The other day at work I was standing at the fax machine (doing the Ed Lover Dance) and taking an informal poll of who was attending the after work bowling party. The bowling party was scheduled after work hours on a Friday evening. Which meant three things, (1) I wouldn’t get paid for attending, (2) only people who don’t have lives were going and (3) apparently everyone else in the office leads a more exciting life than I do.

The office fax machine is stationed next to one of the manager’s cubicles, namely our New Manager Lady who no one gets along with because she makes people cry. I could hear her making a ruckus in her cubicle doing whatever it is that our managers do (mostly a lot of looking stern and carrying pieces of paper from one end of the office to the other).

I popped my head over the cube wall and said, “Hey, New Manager Lady, are you going to the bowling party? Only like three people are going. I’ll totally be there because I don’t have a life and bowling with my coworkers will probably be the most exciting thing I’ll do this month.”

“No, I’m not going bowling,” she said with a very serious face. I noticed that she was looking tanner than usual; don’t really know what’s up with that.

“Really? That sucks,” the bosses in the office, showing the extreme level of leadership that they were known for, decided that they were too important to mingle with the office peasants.

“I’m not going bowling because I no longer work here,” said New Manager Lady.

This. Is. Awkward.

Apparently the ruckus she was making in her cube was the sounds of all her desk photos going into a box. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Huh?”

“I’ve been fired.”

“That sucks,” I said trying to sound empathetic while working out the best exit strategy for this situation. My brain flooded with information. All the synapses firing at once. Do I stand her and ask her about it? Does she need someone to talk to? How does this affect me and my role in the company? Is she going to come back to the office fully armed? I decided that I couldn't worry about that and that I needed to escape this conversation and pronto. With no other option: I made a run for it.

The rest of the day was spent being uncomfortable, avoiding eye contact and watching her pack out of the corner of my eye. Eventually she trucked all her stuff out of the office and was never seen again.

At the bowling party I bowled a 160. Further evidence to how much I rule.

My New iPod Makes Me a Better Person

2007-09-30T09:33:00.000-07:00

My new iPod is the greatest invention since the original iPod. The iPod has, historically, come in third on my list of the worlds greatest inventions that have ever been invented. The first being the wheel, the second being the George Foreman Grill (the fat drips away!).

While the early adaptors were figuring out how to make their iPhones work I was sitting in my office, satisfied with my 2G iPod and falling more and more in love with it every day. I feel safe saying that I'd marry the iPod if it was culturally acceptable, a feeling that I'm pretty sure is reciprocated by my iPod. It's always there for me, ready to satisfy any of my aural desires.

It's impossible not to have noticed that Apple has released a slew of new iPods. Therein lies the delema. Which one should I buy? I had to take a long look in the mirror to find the model that spoke to me on an artistic, aesthetic, poetic and scientific level. My local Apple retailer had all of the new iPods on display and I molested, fondled and drooled on all of them. Since I had a gift certificate, I knew that I'd have to make a decision sooner or later.

The iPod Nano/mini/whatever-they're-calling-it-now. Delicious. Too small though, can't put my entire living room on it and I don't want to agonize over which songs in my library I want to load onto it. Invariably, the song/album/artist I want to listen to would be on my home computer and not on my iPod. It's about as thick as three credit cards stacked one each other. It's got video now, which is pretty fancy. The iPod Nano/mini/whatever-they're-calling-it-now also has the benefit of having a slick new ad campaign featuring a catchy tune by Feist (you can buy her record at Starbucks!). After spending some considerable time with it, I realized that it probably does not come preloaded with that music video or the singer's phone number.

The iPod Touch - this is not the iPhone. Fun to play with but after a quick cost vs. awesomeness calculation, it just wasn't feasible. I mean, sure, you can maneuver by touching the screen and blah blah blah. Sixteen giggers of memory maximum? No thank you. It's sexy as all get out, sure, but if they'd marketed it as more of a hand held planner thing that also plays music, instead of as an iPod that's almost an iPhone I probably would have bought it. There is something to be said about an mp3 player has Internet access and that can look up porn.

Ultimately the one that tickled my nerd-prostate the most was the 160 gigger iPod Classic (aka regular iPod) in silver (RIP white). I'm assuming that they named it the "classic" in reference to it's refined nature and not because it's style is on the verge of becoming outdated. It plays video. It holds photos. All things that previous incarnations have done, but this one does it using "cover flow". "Cover flow" is the application that turns iTunes into a virtual jukebox. It's only neat in the "hey, look at what my iPod can do" sort of way. It's about the size of my old 2G 20 gigger, perhaps a tad thinner, but is 140 gigs more awesome. Also, when you're looking at the menus, the covers float listlessly on the right side of the screen. This is a feature that calms my nerves and soothes my soul. Pointless, but soothing. And my lord, the storage capacity. 160 gigs! One could, theoretically, hold one billionth of the worlds pornography in their pocket with that device. Which is to say, that's an aweful lot of pornography.

Using my vast knowledge of science and statistics, I have deduced that I'm a 9% better person now than I was before I purchased my iPod Classic. And, most importantly, my iPod is better than your iPod...at least until the next one comes out.

Movie Snob

2007-09-16T08:31:00.001-07:00

The Number 23 - Jim Carrey's turn at drama/horror. Started off strong. I imagine the meeting in some anonymous production office went like this:

"Hey, guys, you know, I've got this story. It starts off, you know, interesting and loads of drama/suspense you know. I don't know how to end it though," said the writer/producer/intern. After listening to the pitch somebody else in the meeting said "I know how to end it, we'll take the path of least resistance!" And then some guy with a business degree, a Land Rover and a Palm Treo said, "Yeah, research says that audiences like that. This was a good meeting. We'll do gangbusters in the overseas market. It's lunch time, I think I'll have sushi."

Not to mention the third act revealed plot holes up the wazoo. I think they hoped that the audience would have forgotten everything that went on at the beginning of the movie by the time that they got to the end of it.

Long story short: Started off as a good, clever movie, but in the end it wasn't.

Old Sayings...

2007-09-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

There's an old saying that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Unless we're talking about the Clap. You pretty much know that you've got that.

Dear New Fancy Pants Lap Top

2007-09-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

Dear New Fancy Pants Lap Top,

I hate you.

Regards,

A. Jonathan Cox.

PS Please stop freezing up and giving me the Blue Fuck You screen, also known as the Blue Screen of Death.

Inn Love with Tori and Dean

2007-09-12T21:38:00.001-07:00

Tori Spelling is fucking crazy. And this Dean character, who ever the hell he is supposed to be, has the patience of a guy who has clearly been married before. I have nothing more to say on this matter. Tori and Dean are dead to me.

worker's cube

2007-09-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

Someone - standing directly behind me - asked me why I don't have any photos or personal items in my cubicle and why I keep virtually every piece of paper tucked away in a file. My cube is a barren wasteland of eggshell white (with a light dusting of gray) and khaki colored walls. My computer monitor sports a lonely post-it reminding me what company I work for. I explained, in as calm a voice as I could muster, that it was because I wanted my cubicle to look as much like a prison cell from the future as possible. Turns out I said it to my boss. But hey, that's what makes me totally kick ass.

An Open Letter to Theater Goers who view movies at the Local AMC 12

2007-08-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Theater Goers who view movies at the Local AMC 12,

The theater is not your living room, please, shut the fuck up. The rest of the theater would greatly appreciate it and will probably stop wishing you the most miserable of deaths.

But then again they might not.

Regards,

A. Jonathan Cox

Math

2007-08-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

Amy Winehouse = weird looking. Also, I have no idea who she is.

Beyonce = I don't understand the appeal. Seriously, she does nothing for me. Her great, great, great, great, twice removed third cousin may have been a cat.

Lindsay Lohan = makes me sad in a sort of Christina-Riccis-character-from-Black-Snake-Moan-w/-way-more-money-and-fame-kind-of-way.

High School Musical 2 = High School Whatsical?

Me = Awesome. There, I said it. Deal with it.

My Dog = Pees everywhere where I don't want him to pee, but looks good doing it so he gets a pass.

Breaking News

2007-08-18T00:12:00.001-07:00

Britany Spears' lawyer is hotter than Britany Spears. TMZ is all over it, though they're not taking the same angle on the story that I am, but whatever.

I have a sexy voice

2007-08-17T19:37:00.001-07:00

I have it on good authority that the 84 year old ladies think I have a sexy voice - I found this out after spending ten minutes on the phone with an 84 year old woman who, at random, told me so. After that things went blurry and by the end of the phone call I may have agreed to mow her lawn this weekend and perhaps help her open some jars.

Also, she offered to take me to the Senior Center where we'll square dance the night away.

EDIT - I had to fix this because it was jibberish, or jibberesque to my hoity-toity readers.

EDIT - "hoity-toity" readers means my mom.

The iPhone

2007-08-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

I will buy the iPhone only when it starts coming with the words "Don't Panic" in big friendly letters on the front. Or it gets incredibly cheaper. Whichever comes first. (this is not funny, I get that)

Actually I played with the iPhone at my local Cingular store and was nearly killed by the three different employees who asked me if I needed help. I felt like the bell of the ball. Or whatever the less Blanche Dubois-esque version of the previous sentance is. I was popular, there, lets put it that way. I still didn't buy an iPhone.

The End of the World

2007-08-13T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that the world is about to end, and here's why:

(1) Karl Rove is quiting/retiring this month. Rather than fall on the sword he's taking some time off. I'm sure we'll see him on the board of Halliburton in a matter of weeks. He's classy like that.
(2) Britany Spears is making Keving Federline look like the best, most sober, and most put together parent of the two of them. Fantastic, take a bow.
(3) My dog has finally stopped peeing in the house. Of course this may have something to do with the fact that I boxed him up and fed-exed him to the nearest bunch of gypsies, but it's still a win in the win column.

That's it. I've just got the three reasons but in my defense they're really fucking fantastic reasons.

PS I didn't really send my dog, via fed-ex, to the gypsies, but some days I give it some serious thought.

Conversation I had at Trader Joes

2007-08-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

INT. TRADER JOES
I'm at the check-out line having just ran my credit card through the credit card gizmo and advised it that I would like ten extra dollars back.

CASHIER
Ten dollars back?

ME
Please.

CASHIER
How do you want it?

Slight pause.

ME
I was thinking cash. Yeah, cash would be good.

He didn't think it was very funny. I, however, laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Enzite

2007-08-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

The video game channel - also known as G4 - runs the best commercials. Sometimes they run television programming, but mostly it's commercials. The best, other than the ones for the army and phone sex party lines, is an ad for a male enhancement product called Enzite. These ads are clearly made by people who are trying to see how much they can get away with and still have their commercials on t.v.

The best bits:

1. The background behind the product & the phone number is wood grain. (Wood - get it?)
2. The main character - Smiling Bob - if holding a bottle, golf club or any other fallic symbol, will be holding the biggest one. (subliminal!)
3. They actually showed the Smiling Bob doing yard work, carrying a long pipe between two round hedges in a wheelbarrel. (Ha!)
4. During a business meeting, Smiling Bob points to a graph - and it's pointing up with the word "gain" in big letters next to it. (gain!)

Brilliant.

Conversation I had at work

2007-08-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

INT. OFFICE - Thursday at Three PM

COWORKER
I could use a drink, is it too early to drink?

ME
I don't think so, I've been drinking since nine.

COWORKER
Really? You're holding up well.

ME
(delivered w/ a grumbling hickup/fart sound)
High functioning alcoholic.

Then I stormed off like I needed to be somewhere. You had to be there, it was hilarious. The next day representatives from Human Resources lingered around my desk smelling my coffee cup. I'm flattered they took such an interest. If I wasn't so drunk I would have complimented them on their professionalism.

The Transformers Movie

2007-08-12T09:03:00.001-07:00

I always like movies where the world is saved by actors whose day job is modeling underpants. Impossibly good looking people always come out good in the end. Oh, and the movie has some guy named Hon. Shia Leboufbaffbingbong, Esq., the III or something. That kind of name always looks good on the marquis.

Laptop computers

2007-08-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

When ever my new computer betrays me* instead of trying to fix it I cry silently in my office and wonder why we did away with typewriters in the first place. After a good cry I look out my window at my neighbors whose computers are probably working just fine.

*At least once a day, seriously. I think Toshiba sold me a lemon.

On Drinking

2007-08-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's easier to tell people you're a recovering alcoholic, rather than tell them you've stopped drinking because you're afraid it's making you fat.

Hot

2007-07-04T06:34:00.001-07:00

Holy mother of Christ it's hot in my house. I have finally realized my dream to live inside an easy bake oven that is parked somewhere inside the sun.

Paris Hilton, jail bird

2007-06-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton was recently freed, again, from jail and was not shanked in the "yard" a la Oz. She does however, after three and one half weeks in the hooscow, looks just like a really thin, probably anti-semetic, owl. Prison will do that.

Rosemary's Baby

2007-06-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

How I explained the movie Rosemary's Baby to my boss, who herself is pregnant:

"It's just like Knocked Up, only instead of Seth Rogan, she's knocked up by SATAN! And it's funnier."

She gave me the blank stare of approval and walked (waddled) off.

Shop Owner

2007-06-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sometime's I wish I owned a store just so that I could throw people out of it.

Sports Cars

2007-05-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

When I see someone driving a fancy pants Ferrari I immediately think that (a) the driver cleary has hair plugs, low self esteem, father issues and (b) he's impotent and is on his way to dance lessons because all he can do for the ladies is dance for them.

...of course my oppinion would change if I could afford one...

An Open Letter to Men's Health Magazine's Marketing/Circulation Department

2007-05-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Men's Health Marketing/Circulation Department;

I have a question about my subscription and I wasn't able to find an answer on your FAQ and your customer service hotline is not working at the moment.

Apparently I am supposed to receive my first issue of Men's Health shortly, which is where the problem lies - I never ordered a subscription to Men's Health and am not interested in receiving my first issue shortly, in a while, or ever for that matter. I'm sure that your magazine is fantastic and adored on a monthly basis by those with a strong interest in abs and/or people who are too modest to buy Maxim - unfortunately that is not me.

If this is some sort of clever marketing trick then it is a really super-efficient way to make sure that I never order your magazine or buy it at news stands. After receiving this invoice your magazine now ranks just below Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book on my "things to buy so that I can kill time at the airport until my airplane arrives/is fixed/takes off" list. Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book are very, very, immensely very, low on that list.

Now, I understand that you all have mortgages to pay, but duping people into thinking they have magazine subscriptions - when they don't - is dirty pool. Honestly it's enough to give someone a heart attack and run a credit check on themselves to see if someone has stolen their identity. The whole affair makes me wish, and wish very hard, that your marketing/circulation department suffers a terrible fate involving the itchiest of venereal diseases and the rustiest of thumb tacks.

Please advise.

Thanks,

A. Jonathan Cox

I'm not trying to steal your identity

2007-05-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

I had to explain to a woman - who called me - at work the other day that I wasn't trying to steal her identity. Of course I probably shouldn't have told her right away that I secretly work at the behest of my father, a Nigerian King, who's money is tied up in the Nigerian legal system, and that I desperately needed her help to get it out of their. Shockingly she wasn't into it. Some people just don't want to invest $5,000 on a genuine money-making opportunity that could yeild a 1,000% return. Some people just don't have business sense.

How to tell if the radio DJ you're listening to is an asshole

2007-05-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

How to tell if the radio DJ you're listening to is an asshole:

(1) He's a DJ

(2) He breaks in with news of the Beastie Boys new instrumental album and talks about it like the Boys are crazy and have never released an instrumental album before...the joke here is that they have and it's totally awesome. Best album the Boys ever put out. The In Sounds From Way Out. Get it now, thank me later.

Cinco De Mayo Pot Luck

2007-05-04T18:35:00.000-07:00

At work we had a sign-up sheet for things we were bringing to our Cinco De Mayo potluck. I said I was bringing "two totally sweet side burns". No one else thought it was funny either.

Weezer

2007-03-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

Weezer? Let's try Wheezer. Seriously, those guys are old.

I should point out that not a lot of people have the nads to go after Weezer like I just did. But then when you're surrounded by an awesome force field of awesomeness like I am you're pretty much indestructible, even when you're going toe-to-toe with the guys from Weezer and their hipster eyewear.

This blog entry sucks. There. I said it. Suck on it.

Captain America: Dead, no longer fighting Hitler

2007-03-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

Captain America: Dead, no longer fighting Hitler. This is news. I have no idea how we'll break it to the children. I just hope we can come together as a society, grieve and commiserate on the good times we all had with Cap before discovering the appeal of the bosom. We'll share heartwarming stories and drink Budweiser (the beer of true Americans) and get into fist fights over the size of his shield and then, hopefully, move on with our lives.

Viaducts

2007-03-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

Living on the outskirts of Seattle you tend to hear a lot about what Seatleites, wearing their most fancy horn rimmed glasses and leather jackets, think about the issues - of which there are many. Now keep in mind that Seattle is, to the suburbanites, an impenitrable fortress that only the bravest of men dare to enter. And those men will probably be stabbed, leaving their wives and children alone in the cold, dark world in which we live. Or they'll die of old age in the eternal traffic jam (caused by a fender bender in 1932) on one of the two floating bridges. That's right, floating bridges.

Anywhoo - the current issue (other than the weather) is something called the "viaduct", which is a word that is very fun to say and even more fun to type. Using my above average deductive reasoning skills, I have been able to asertaine that this "viaduct" is some sort of two story road/bridge/thingy that the Seattle hepcats use whenever they need to get somewhere in a hurry, and it's in dire need of repair. Apparently Seatleites take their lives in their hands every time they drive on it and it could come crashing down any second now.

Now, some people want to rebuild the whole thing, while others think it should be burried undeground (at a crazy price to the taxpayers, if the news is to be believed - the cost of the war in Iraq would only cover the planning stage) and renamed the "tunnel".

I, apparently, fall into the latter category. But I don't think they're going far enough. I think they should bury the whole city underground, like that Isaac Asimov story about the underground town with the robots and the guys with filters in their nostrils. As anyone who's been to Seattle or seen an episode of Fraiser, will tell you - Seattle isn't very pretty. Seattle is the fat broad left behind at the bar...if the fat broad was a town...and the bar was the United States.

Anne Coulter

2007-03-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

Words I use to describe Anne Coulter, guaranteed to bring any conversation about Anne Coulter to a screeching halt:

(1) Classy!

Coffee shop

2007-03-11T00:23:00.000-08:00

While at the coffee shop reading my book with all the other suburbanite hepcats, I took a quick mental inventory and realized that I had, on my person, close to one thousand dollars worth of electronics (iPod, ridiculously priced headphones, moderately priced digital camera that doubles as a completely horrible telephone) and about thirty dollars worth of clothes procured from Old Navy Online.

I'm really all about priorities.

Things that I go out of my way to drive past while commuting to work in the morning

2007-03-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

Things that I go out of my way to drive past while commuting to work in the morning:

(1) People Smoking in Minivans
(2) People Smoking Pot in Minivans
(3) Human Heads (severed)
(4) My hopes and dreams
(5) Human Heads (non-severed)
(6) Human Heads (not quite severed, but pretty much there)
(7) Ho's

Drugs, Sex and Vomit

2007-02-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in worshiping famous people or athletes or Paris Hilton and hounding them for autographs or reading about them in magazines. What I do is much more pretentious, and three times more awesome.

What I do is I admire them from afar for their fancy lifestyles and "achievements". And by achievements I mean hot chicks they've gotten past second base with. Which is why I have recently chosen to admire Anna Nicole Smith. Not because she's dead, but how she died.

You have to admire someone who married a complete geezer and then took a bunch of drugs in lieu of taking his massive banking account and then got fat, got thin, went crazy(er), took more drugs, screwed a billion dudes, delivered a strange speech at an awards show, had a baby, took some more drugs, buried her other kid, took whatever drugs were prescribed to her "lawyer" and then died without leaving so much a note explaining where all the money is buried (or at the very least revealing who the father of her baby is). NOTE: That sentence is AWESOME, look at it, seriously, they don't teach that kind of writing.

Admit it, it's a fascinating way to go. I mean, just about anyone can die from cancer or heart disease or old age, but it takes a certain amount of class and evil-genius intelect to go out in a heap of drugs, sex and vomit.

If I ever die, which I won't, I hope to leave behind a path of weirdness, wrapped lovingly around a riddle, gently nudging an enigma in the back to see if it's feeling amorous.

Left Hand Words

2007-02-12T21:04:00.000-08:00

Because I have a lot of misplaced energy that could be put to better use elsewhere, I have compiled a list of words that I can type using only my left hand on a standard QWERTY keyboard. Note that none of these words are capitolized, because I can't hit the "shift" key and the target key with the same hand...that requires some serious yoga of the old dedos.

(1) seatac - the airport. If you ever need to "google" seatac, give the right hand a rest, because this one's all left hand baby.

(2) stewardess - an antiquated word for "flight attendent". Apparently it's the longest left hand word on the books and it's a prude. "Flight attendent" is a both hands word, because "flight attendent" is a slutty, slutty word. Naughty, almost.

(3) car - yeah. Car.

(4) stretch - this one only works if you stretch your pointer to hit the "h". Bwahahahahahaheh...puns...

(5) asdfewsde - that's all lefty's work, stupid illiterate bastard.

And this joke has just run out of steam...

Words that I left out because I didn't think they were funny: stare, star, crate, create, crave, stave, street, tread, trade, tred, dread, cred, sted, far, tar, strafe, are, rare, rear, tear, vear, tea, tree, treat, rave, swear, wear, strade, crat, sfred, traveed, cradefq, freq, crzer, gerdfade...

I may have made some of those up, but they're lefties, so suck it.

The Hooha Monologues

2007-02-09T10:54:00.000-08:00

In some parts, for some reason, the Vagina Monologues have been renamed the Hooha Monologues. It's true, although is it eerily similar to an old Lenny Bruce routine where he tried to find ways to advertise Las Vegas's bosom themed bars that didn't offend anyone. I do not believe he was arrested for this routine.

Anyway, apparently the name change was an attempt to make the production title slightly less offensive to house fraus and their children. So, instead of sparking a conversation about what a vagina is, they've sidestepped it completely by cleverly using a synonym. They have, in one fell swoop, eliminated the need for any embarassing conversations about what a vagina is, where babies come from, why Girls Gone Wild videos are so popular and why daddy doesn't talk to mommy any more and spends so much time at "work".

Unfortunately for the parents, they'll still have to explain what a monologue is, and you can't effectively discuss what a monologue is without explaining what a soliloquy is. And you can't explain what a soliloquy is without explaining why, in a theatrical production, one would want to perform one, when everyone knows it's better to "show" something rather than to "tell" them about it. You'd also want to add a bit about the elements of drama and probably have to perform scenes from Macbeth to really drive the point home.

Good luck with that, I'd rather explain the vagina.

Starbucks

2007-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

It's virtually impossible to get into a Starbucks in the late morning, in the Suburbs, on a weekday. The house frau gangs totally shut that place down. You can tell you've walked into a house frau coffee shop by the rows of BMW and Infinity SUVs (freshly washed) parked in a row out front.

What ever you do, man, don't make eye contact, it's a sign of agression and they'll criticize you to death. Seriously. Beware of the house fraus.

Ways I Keep My Brain from Exploding

2007-02-01T07:07:00.000-08:00

One of the ways I keep my brain from exploding is by convincing myself that Paris Hilton really isn’t dumb. I mean, after having a sexually explicit videotape hit the porn shelves, a reasonable person would destroy any other sexually explicit videos she may (or may not) be staring in to avoid any further embarrassment. Instead Paris Hilton packed them away in a storage locker, where they’d be safe from public viewing…until she defaulted on it and the contents were sold at auction. And now the new owner of said storage unit contents is selling them on the Internet for everyone to see. I don’t know exactly what’s in there, but I imagine there’s a lot of dolphins and unicorns drawn into the margins of paper, maybe some daisies.

Now, the part where my head keeps from exploding is this, I tell myself that the brain in her head is, in fact, not her brain at all, but is, in fact, the central processor from an Apple II-E, the height of personal computing in the early 1980’s. Sure, it doesn’t hold up now, but it seems to get the job done and keeps Paris Hilton in the news and renders her pretty much harmless, kind of annoying, but harmless. And it even wrote a book, something about being a princess or giving/getting herpes or being boy crazy or some other equally vapid topic.

I believe that the Government, seeing that her brain really packs a whollop and could be detrimental if it fell into the wrong hands, had it plucked out and stuck it in a jar, where it now sits deep in the basement of a Secret Government facility. I believe that these scientists, in their infinite wisdom, have hooked it up to a giant super computer and that that Paris Hilton’s brain and the super computer have joined forces. They’re like a nerdified version of the Justice League. Their days are chock full of brain fueled excitement, for breakfast they solve Rubik’s cubes, for lunch they invent the Internet and for dinner they work on their screenplay adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.

I also believe that together they may have also invented Soduku, but I don’t have any evidence for that one.

Big giant super brains are hot.

The Internet

2007-02-01T07:03:00.001-08:00

There needs to be more nudity on the Internet. Someone should get on that.

What to do should Vampires take over your Junior College or University

2007-01-23T13:34:00.000-08:00

What to do should Vampires take over your Junior College or University -

(1) Don't panic.

Sure, you may want to, but man don't do it. If the films of George A. Romero have taught us anything, it's that the guy with the cool head - if not killed immediately after bragging to his friends about how cool he is in a crisis - survives. He also usually survives with a babe who, after witnessing his coolness, is probably more than willing to sleep with him once all the business with the vampires is over.

(2) Garlic.

Load up on the Garlic. Good for repelling Vampires, girls. Apparently garlic has some caustic attributes in relation to vampires, which is too bad for them because garlic is a delicious addition to every meal. When dealing with vampires, the garlic product Gar-lique does not quite do the job. It does, however, keep your cholesterol in check - my suggestion is to carefully evaluate whatever is killing you the fastest, and then decide to use it or not.

(3) Wooden stakes.

Sticks with pointy ends are called stakes, at least that's what I've learned from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These, when used against vampires, cause said vampire to burst into flames. Vampires, if you do not know, are all about the "show" and are prone to over the top vaudevillian flare. There is an old vampire slogan, a slogan that is also shared with one Mr. Daffy Duck, which is - "Go out with a bang!"

There are some theories that vampires burst into flames because they are borne from the pits of Hell. This is faulty logic, vampires are all about vaudeville, baby, vaudeville. Sadly, "wood product" does not yield the same results as real wood. "Wood Product" is 90% glue, 10% wood - so you can go ahead and stop sharpening the legs of your Ikea coffee table right now.

(4) Vampires only attack at night.

This is true. Vampires have a skin disease that prevents them from going on murderous rampages during the day. When faced with sunlight vampires protest by bursting into flames and dying almost immediately. This is a handy fact, but becomes significantly less handy when you consider that this type of sleeping schedule is remarkably similar to that of the average Junior College or University student. Whereas the vampires use the daylight hours to catch up on some sleep, the average Junior College or University student is using this time to gather gold on World of Warquest or updating their MySpace accounts.

(5) Know your foe.

It's a good idea to brush up on your Vampire mythology, primarily the works of Anne Rice (don't get distracted by her earlier penis-centric novels, or her latest Jesus-centric novel). It is a well known fact that Vampires try and emulate their fictional cousins whenever possible. So if you see one acting un-vampirey, be sure and point it out to him - he'll appreciate it.

If you don't have the kind of time during a vampire attack to read books, you can also watch the Blade Trilogy or every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suggest the former for the laughs and the latter to learn the subtle intricacies of high school politics and why dating a Vampire is a bad idea.

(6) Compliments.

Vampires are notoriously moody/depressed individuals and often write poems about their feelings. So, if you're ever cornered by a mob of the blood thirsty beasts, try complimenting them on their fashion choices or skin or hair do or what have you. Remember, you get more flies with honey than vinegar...but you'd have to be a complete weirdo because flies are gross. The point is, try being nice, you never know what will happen.

(7) Don't drive.

If you think you've gotten away safely, don't drive anywhere. There will always be one unaccounted for Vampire in the back seat of your sedan. Always. And he'll be totally grouchy and won't respect you in the slightest for being an above average foe. Another option is to check the backseat before getting in your car. That might be the safest bet.

Concerns

2007-01-19T08:58:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how Liv Tyler feels about Anne Hathaway stealing her career. I can't imagine she feels good about it.

I'm also concerned that Pam Anderson will never find a good man to settle down to raise a family with.

Rehab

2007-01-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm worried that Lindsay Lohan is going to rehab not for pills, booze, drugs or for having too much fun in her life, but for publicity. And possibly that she's addicted to pills, booze, drugs and having too much fun in her life.

Things that keep me awake at night...

2007-01-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

There are a handful of things that keep me awake during the day, and there are even fewer things that keep me awake at night.

Here are a few of the major issues that keep me from sweet nightime dreams featuring a young Cindy Crawford...

(1) Dog poop, and where in my house I'll next find it.

(2) Why the sweet candy Almond Rocca looks frighteningly similar to cat poop, and why I insist on eating it dispite that superficial similarity.

(3) Cat poop, and why my dog thinks it's delicious. Because it's not. I learned that lesson the hard way and again, it looks like Almond Rocca.

(4) My dogs ability to use reason and his capacity for abstract thinking.

(5) Whether or not my cat speaks foreign languages, because he certainly doesn't speak English. I'm pretty sure the sadistic bastard is just messing with me.

Humiliation of a Dictator

2007-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's worse, having your execution filmed entirely on camera-phone or being led to the gallows by guys wearing ski masks and Members Only jackets. It's like he was led to the big sleep by some extras from the A-Team.

Years End Top Ten List - FROM THE FUTURE!

2006-12-31T08:51:00.000-08:00

Because the WORLD has demanded it, here is my top ten list of most awesome things from the year 2007. Oh, what? It’s still 2006? Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, not according to my fax machine that appears to receive faxes from THE FUTURE!

(1) Me
(2) Me
(3) Me
(4) Me
(5) Independant, or "indie" Porn. Where pornographers buck the Hollywood System by producing small, low budget, heartfelt character portraits depicting the complexity of life...and then they screw each other...artistically.
(6) Me
(7) Me
(8) Me
(9) Me
(10) Battlestar Galactica