Helpful Tips for Living in or Around Los Angeles

Drive as though your life depends on it, because it does.

There are only a few reasons to walk anywhere in Los Angeles - 1) you can't afford a car, 2) you're a drunk and that dick judge took your license away, or 3) you're some sort of deranged weirdo/ax murderer. Seriosly, get a car.

Odds are you’re fat and everyone in Los Angeles knows it. Everyone in front of you Starbucks has less than 3% body fat, what's your excuse? That's what I thought, get to the gym - fatty. Or try skipping Starbucks once in a while, those things are calorie bombs.

If you want to see that guy who was in that one commercial you saw that time, or that lady who was the cop on that show you watched with your girlfriend last night, move to Burbank.

The hometown of your youth may have had a sky of blue - that's adorable, but passé. In Los Angeles, the sky is brown. Brown is the new blue. Blue sky is for losers, and Los Angeles is not for losers.

In your hometown, automobiles are powered by gasoline. This is not true in Los Angeles, where automobiles are powered by hopes/dreams.

That pornographic video you’re watching was most likely filmed down the street from your apartment building.

Get headshots. For some reason these are very important in Los Angeles. You may be required to present them while interviewing for the most mundane jobs. Or any job listed in the "Gigs" section on Craigslist.