Ways I Keep My Brain from Exploding
One of the ways I keep my brain from exploding is by convincing myself that Paris Hilton really isn’t dumb. I mean, after having a sexually explicit videotape hit the porn shelves, a reasonable person would destroy any other sexually explicit videos she may (or may not) be staring in to avoid any further embarrassment. Instead Paris Hilton packed them away in a storage locker, where they’d be safe from public viewing…until she defaulted on it and the contents were sold at auction. And now the new owner of said storage unit contents is selling them on the Internet for everyone to see. I don’t know exactly what’s in there, but I imagine there’s a lot of dolphins and unicorns drawn into the margins of paper, maybe some daisies.
Now, the part where my head keeps from exploding is this, I tell myself that the brain in her head is, in fact, not her brain at all, but is, in fact, the central processor from an Apple II-E, the height of personal computing in the early 1980’s. Sure, it doesn’t hold up now, but it seems to get the job done and keeps Paris Hilton in the news and renders her pretty much harmless, kind of annoying, but harmless. And it even wrote a book, something about being a princess or giving/getting herpes or being boy crazy or some other equally vapid topic.
I believe that the Government, seeing that her brain really packs a whollop and could be detrimental if it fell into the wrong hands, had it plucked out and stuck it in a jar, where it now sits deep in the basement of a Secret Government facility. I believe that these scientists, in their infinite wisdom, have hooked it up to a giant super computer and that that Paris Hilton’s brain and the super computer have joined forces. They’re like a nerdified version of the Justice League. Their days are chock full of brain fueled excitement, for breakfast they solve Rubik’s cubes, for lunch they invent the Internet and for dinner they work on their screenplay adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.
I also believe that together they may have also invented Soduku, but I don’t have any evidence for that one.
Big giant super brains are hot.
Now, the part where my head keeps from exploding is this, I tell myself that the brain in her head is, in fact, not her brain at all, but is, in fact, the central processor from an Apple II-E, the height of personal computing in the early 1980’s. Sure, it doesn’t hold up now, but it seems to get the job done and keeps Paris Hilton in the news and renders her pretty much harmless, kind of annoying, but harmless. And it even wrote a book, something about being a princess or giving/getting herpes or being boy crazy or some other equally vapid topic.
I believe that the Government, seeing that her brain really packs a whollop and could be detrimental if it fell into the wrong hands, had it plucked out and stuck it in a jar, where it now sits deep in the basement of a Secret Government facility. I believe that these scientists, in their infinite wisdom, have hooked it up to a giant super computer and that that Paris Hilton’s brain and the super computer have joined forces. They’re like a nerdified version of the Justice League. Their days are chock full of brain fueled excitement, for breakfast they solve Rubik’s cubes, for lunch they invent the Internet and for dinner they work on their screenplay adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.
I also believe that together they may have also invented Soduku, but I don’t have any evidence for that one.
Big giant super brains are hot.
posted by A. Jonathan Cox at 7:07 AM
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