Phone

I'm in the market for a new cell phone because mine is a serious piece of crap. I'm rocking the Samsung Something-Or-Other. It's the black flippy model, you may have seen it around. It's a terrific alarm clock that sometimes makes phonecalls and takes mediocre photos. Also, it has tetris.

Apparently there is more than one cell phone on the market, which taxes my already horrible decision making skills (please, look at the rest of my life) to the extreme. There are all sorts of brands in all sorts of colors. Some have keyboards. Some look like they're from the future (I'm looking at you iPhone). I will undoubtedly choose the wrong phone. It's like going to a restaurant with too many items on the menu.

The phone that will ultimately suit my needs will be the phone that does its primary task of making telephone calls the best. I want a phone that will make telephone calls from under ground, in the event I'm ever stuck in a cave. I want which ever brand the Mole Men use. Mole Men, as we all know, live their entire lives under ground on ginormous digging machines where they try to destroy mankind. They must have developed some kind of means of underground communication. I want to find out who provides their cell phone service and I want to buy a cell phone from them.

Mole Man phone. Yeah. Get on it.