Effective Travel Tips for the Effective Traveler

When traveling abroad there’s an ass load of things to consider – weather, socioeconomic status, and the countries general feelings on nudity and the odds of seeing a naked lady on television.

But! Weary traveler, life is not all bed knobs and broomsticks out there in the world! The world, if the news is to believed (it’s not), is possibly the most dangerous place ever and stepping out of your house, much less your country means certain doom, death, disease, dismemberment and disaster (the five "d's" of journalism).

But! Should you feel the call of the wild, the need to go out into the wilds and cross some stuff off your bucket list, it’s good to have an idea of what you’re dealing with. Sure, you can watch the Travel Channel, visit Lonely Planet, read Alex Garland’s The Beach, or read a guidebook.

No thank you to all that I say.

So here are some tips!

1. Avoid embarrassment; always check the local laws first. This cannot be stressed enough. Discovering once you’ve arrived at your destination that there was no need to keister what you keistered before you left is embarrassing and hard to explain to your friends, family and coworkers.
2. Try not to kill any of the locals either on purpose or on accident. This is good advice no matter where you are, unless your trip involves traveling through time to a time where you could get away with that behavior.
3. If you’re someplace that doesn’t accept the American Dollar (USA! USA!) as acceptable currency, shout at the cashier “I’M FROM AMERICA!” over and over until they accept it. (USA! USA!)
4. While trying to work out where to take your annual summer trip and it comes down to Paris or France, relax they are the same place.
5. While ordering food in a restaurant, remember that “tripe” is a cow’s stomach lining. So it’s up to you if you want to eat it or not. I wouldn’t. Blech!
6. Remember, USA! USA! USA! Oh, yeah, that’s right!
7. If you’re feeling amorous, but the downstairs needs a little pick-me-up, remember that anything that aims to solve “virility” or “potency” problems is probably made from an animals penis, testicles, lymph nodes, or fetus. Now try “doin’ it.” You can't, can you? Didn't think so.
8. USA! USA!
9. When communicating with the locals in Mexico, simply add an “ah” or an “oh” sound to the end of your words, depending on the gender agreement or whatever sounds good. Spanish-ah is easy-oh!
   
10. Some places will cut your head/hands/penis off if you’re pinched for drunk driving. So…yeah.
11. Eastern European Hostels’ are bait for rich Eastern European’s to recreationally catch and then recreationally dismember tourists. It’s your own fault for being in Eastern Europe, I mean really.
    
12. Reconsider where your life went wrong if you’re someplace that requires a Sherpa. Lets dial it down Sir Edmund Hilary.

Those are just the tips that I could think of. It’s your own fault if you follow them. Or if you don’t. I don’t care. I’m not leaving my house.

USA!