Everybody (except me) Dies
Like anyone in a tedious and mundane job, I spend most of my day daydreaming about death. Sometimes it's my death, sometimes it's someone else. It helps pass the time. Like anyone, I want to be remembered after I'm dead, I want to live forever in the pop culture lexicon - like Mr. Henne, the Balloon Dad, Jon & Kate and even Octomom. But unlike those go-getters, I plan to be remembered for my apathy and for having a really great funeral. I'm talking balloons, fireworks, maybe the cast of Mystere.
Before I get too carried away, let me be clear, I am never going to die. Like Hugh Heffner, Woodie Allen and Phoebe Cates. But if I were to die, which I'm not, it would be a good idea to have a plan. [NOTE: I can't plan my life for shit, but that's not the point.]
So, here is a list of people who I demand speak positively about me after my death (my hypothetical death, because I'm never going to die).
In no particular order...
(1) Frodo Baggins - Frodo is a good choice, if I do say so myself. I like his moxie. He's hip. He's happening.
(2) Bilbo Baggins - You can't have one Baggins without the other. I expect Bilbo to regale the crowd with tales of our journey through the Misty Mountains and how we fought dragon Smaug.
(3) Jay Z - I mean, really, why not? I think he would say nice things. He can even do songs off his less popular Blue Print album. Nas is a good substitute should Jay Z be unavailable.
(4) The Tree that was in my yard for the 6 months I lived in Denver - Trees are nice. They are good for climbing and building tree houses in and for being awesome.
(5) Stephen Fry - Everything seems nicer when Stephen Fry is talking about it. Besides, STEPHEN FRY!
(6) Alternate Universe Me - Fringe style me (who will probably have a sweet facial scar) to come and talk about me. Who knows me better than me, right? Right!
There is no reason why this can't work, why all these people can't come together to talk about my awesomeness and mourn my passing. I also don't see any problems with (a) I don't know these people, (b) not all of them are people, and (c) some of them are fiction. This is America. Make it happen.
Before I get too carried away, let me be clear, I am never going to die. Like Hugh Heffner, Woodie Allen and Phoebe Cates. But if I were to die, which I'm not, it would be a good idea to have a plan. [NOTE: I can't plan my life for shit, but that's not the point.]
So, here is a list of people who I demand speak positively about me after my death (my hypothetical death, because I'm never going to die).
In no particular order...
(1) Frodo Baggins - Frodo is a good choice, if I do say so myself. I like his moxie. He's hip. He's happening.
(2) Bilbo Baggins - You can't have one Baggins without the other. I expect Bilbo to regale the crowd with tales of our journey through the Misty Mountains and how we fought dragon Smaug.
(3) Jay Z - I mean, really, why not? I think he would say nice things. He can even do songs off his less popular Blue Print album. Nas is a good substitute should Jay Z be unavailable.
(4) The Tree that was in my yard for the 6 months I lived in Denver - Trees are nice. They are good for climbing and building tree houses in and for being awesome.
(5) Stephen Fry - Everything seems nicer when Stephen Fry is talking about it. Besides, STEPHEN FRY!
(6) Alternate Universe Me - Fringe style me (who will probably have a sweet facial scar) to come and talk about me. Who knows me better than me, right? Right!
There is no reason why this can't work, why all these people can't come together to talk about my awesomeness and mourn my passing. I also don't see any problems with (a) I don't know these people, (b) not all of them are people, and (c) some of them are fiction. This is America. Make it happen.
posted by A. Jonathan Cox at 8:32 PM
3 Comments:
the first sentence of this made me choke on my beer.
awesome.
Thanks for reading! I knocked the dust off this thing and need to post more.
agreed. you got some goodies.
i'm a friend of kate and will's up there in seattle...
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