A Letter of Concern...
Dear whoever is responsible for the Apple Computer ads featuring former McSweeney’s contributor and current "Daily Show" expert John Hodgman,
Your ad campaign is really wonderful, the use of white space, the juxtaposition of the nerdy PC and the hip Apple – portrayed by John Hodgman and that kid who was on that show with the lawyer who owned a bowling alley for some reason. You certainly don’t need me, a lone voice on the interweb, to tell you the commercials are wonderfully composed and executed. If you haven’t treated yourselves to fancy drinks at one of those restaurants that refuse to cut the lettuce in their Caesar Salad - no matter how many times you ask - then you should, sirs, you should.
You have done well and should be proud of yourselves. And, as I’m sure you know, your ads were recently parodied on VH1’s Best Week Ever, which is the next best thing to getting a Cleo. Lets not mention the parody on G4's Attack of the Show featuring adorable hosts what's-his-name and what's-her-name. Sirs, you have found the Golden Fleece. You’ve squeezed the proverbial Charmin; you’ve squeezed it but good.
However, sirs, your ads concern me. Your ads appear on my television two, three, maybe four dozen times a night (kudos Media Buying team! kudos!). Honestly, I have no idea what your computers are about. I know they utilize some sort of “dual core” processor, which sounds both fancy and frightening, whatever it is.
I have concluded that the computers - no, all Apple products - look as though they were sent backwards through time, as though they are a gift from scientists the future, which is awesome. But aside from such novelty, how can I, a common computer user, find use for your computers in my life?
How will your fancy computer effect my video game playing? Will using your computer make me a better strategist in epic middle earth battles against tyranical teenagers in far away lands? Will my army of blood thirsty Orcs conquer their army of blood thirsty Orcs - because of your fancy space-aged gizmo? Will your computers help me crush the hopes and dreams of my opponents? No, I think not.
What about going on the “information super highway”? Will your computer aid me in downloading video clips that abridge Halle Berry’s Oscar winning performance in "Monsters Ball" to the one minute and thirty eight second long sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton? What if I want to watch Chloë Sevigny orally service Vincent Galo in the "The Brown Bunny" without having to endure the entire film? What can you do for me in that regard? Hmmm???
After many sleepless nights and dozens of dollars spent consulting neighborhood psychics and/or palm readers, I have come to the realization that I am not cool enough to purchase one of your computers. Though fancy they may be, I am afraid that I am not fancy enough.
I am glad that we were able to have this talk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to the local record shop and buy the first pop album I come across that feature a singer that’s dressed like a prostitute, I’m looking in your direction Christina Aguilara.
Sincerely,
A. Jonathan Cox
Your ad campaign is really wonderful, the use of white space, the juxtaposition of the nerdy PC and the hip Apple – portrayed by John Hodgman and that kid who was on that show with the lawyer who owned a bowling alley for some reason. You certainly don’t need me, a lone voice on the interweb, to tell you the commercials are wonderfully composed and executed. If you haven’t treated yourselves to fancy drinks at one of those restaurants that refuse to cut the lettuce in their Caesar Salad - no matter how many times you ask - then you should, sirs, you should.
You have done well and should be proud of yourselves. And, as I’m sure you know, your ads were recently parodied on VH1’s Best Week Ever, which is the next best thing to getting a Cleo. Lets not mention the parody on G4's Attack of the Show featuring adorable hosts what's-his-name and what's-her-name. Sirs, you have found the Golden Fleece. You’ve squeezed the proverbial Charmin; you’ve squeezed it but good.
However, sirs, your ads concern me. Your ads appear on my television two, three, maybe four dozen times a night (kudos Media Buying team! kudos!). Honestly, I have no idea what your computers are about. I know they utilize some sort of “dual core” processor, which sounds both fancy and frightening, whatever it is.
I have concluded that the computers - no, all Apple products - look as though they were sent backwards through time, as though they are a gift from scientists the future, which is awesome. But aside from such novelty, how can I, a common computer user, find use for your computers in my life?
How will your fancy computer effect my video game playing? Will using your computer make me a better strategist in epic middle earth battles against tyranical teenagers in far away lands? Will my army of blood thirsty Orcs conquer their army of blood thirsty Orcs - because of your fancy space-aged gizmo? Will your computers help me crush the hopes and dreams of my opponents? No, I think not.
What about going on the “information super highway”? Will your computer aid me in downloading video clips that abridge Halle Berry’s Oscar winning performance in "Monsters Ball" to the one minute and thirty eight second long sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton? What if I want to watch Chloë Sevigny orally service Vincent Galo in the "The Brown Bunny" without having to endure the entire film? What can you do for me in that regard? Hmmm???
After many sleepless nights and dozens of dollars spent consulting neighborhood psychics and/or palm readers, I have come to the realization that I am not cool enough to purchase one of your computers. Though fancy they may be, I am afraid that I am not fancy enough.
I am glad that we were able to have this talk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to the local record shop and buy the first pop album I come across that feature a singer that’s dressed like a prostitute, I’m looking in your direction Christina Aguilara.
Sincerely,
A. Jonathan Cox
posted by A. Jonathan Cox at 8:55 AM
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