An Open Letter to Men's Health Magazine's Marketing/Circulation Department

Dear Men's Health Marketing/Circulation Department;

I have a question about my subscription and I wasn't able to find an answer on your FAQ and your customer service hotline is not working at the moment.

Apparently I am supposed to receive my first issue of Men's Health shortly, which is where the problem lies - I never ordered a subscription to Men's Health and am not interested in receiving my first issue shortly, in a while, or ever for that matter. I'm sure that your magazine is fantastic and adored on a monthly basis by those with a strong interest in abs and/or people who are too modest to buy Maxim - unfortunately that is not me.

If this is some sort of clever marketing trick then it is a really super-efficient way to make sure that I never order your magazine or buy it at news stands. After receiving this invoice your magazine now ranks just below Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book on my "things to buy so that I can kill time at the airport until my airplane arrives/is fixed/takes off" list. Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book are very, very, immensely very, low on that list.

Now, I understand that you all have mortgages to pay, but duping people into thinking they have magazine subscriptions - when they don't - is dirty pool. Honestly it's enough to give someone a heart attack and run a credit check on themselves to see if someone has stolen their identity. The whole affair makes me wish, and wish very hard, that your marketing/circulation department suffers a terrible fate involving the itchiest of venereal diseases and the rustiest of thumb tacks.

Please advise.

Thanks,

A. Jonathan Cox