Another look into the tea leaves

As I looked into the tea leaves, not on purpose but because I poured the hot water in too fast and the bag exploded, I had a vision. A vision of the future. A vision of the future of Eliot Spitzer’s high priced prostitute, Ashley What’s-her-name.

Behold, the future… in chronological order...starting...now!

There will be an unauthorized biography hitting the shelves of your local drug store in approximately three to four weeks. In it, her name will be spelled thirteen different ways.

She will testify against Eliot Spitzer for some sort of thing, prostitution probably, all the while rejecting all media appearances.

There will be a movie, unauthorized, but with significant input from her former pimp Charming McSleezo. This movie will air on the Lifetime Movie Network and will be quite similar to Pretty Woman. There will also be a touching scene where, after a taxing coitus-for-cash scene, she hugs a stuffed bear. The bear that has been with her the whole time and is a link to her lost childhood. She will also be revealed as a dude. Shocking twist ending!

She will reject offers to be in Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler. Despite being offered one meeelion dollars to do so.

Joe Francis will go back to jail, fathers everywhere will be relieved.

There will be a great deal of nothing going on, mostly because the economy will take a shit and we’ll all be shoveling coal and stop caring.

The economy will bounce back and everything will be awesome and we’ll all have gotten ripped from shoveling so much coal.

There will be another sex related scandal and Ashley What’s-her-name will be the new “go to” prostitute/madam/sex worker advocate to be interviewed on AC360 and Nancy Grace (my wife loves that shit). Heidi Fliess is going to be piiisssseeeddd.

Her authorized book will hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble. In it she will tell a story that’s a lot like Pretty Woman. Her dad was abusive, her mom withdrawn, and she had no choice but to chase her dreams of music stardom by hooking. She'll probably also mention a mental illness of some sort. We’ve all been there.

Obligatory Dr. Phil appearance.

A “homemade” “porn” “movie” will “accidentally” be for “sale” on the “internet”. Her reps (read: mother who is suddenly back in her life) will say it’s not her, but we all know that it is.

She will eventually accept the offer to appear in Hustler, but for a significantly lower page rate…I’m talking like five dollars.

She will open her own bordello, legally, in some backwoods county in Nevada that no one in their right mind would go to. Location, location, location.

Yeah. The future looks awesome.