If You're in Oregon

If you're in the Oregon area, please keep an eye out for my phone. I've lost it. It's small, black, flippy style and made by Samsung. There's lots of pictures of my cat on it, he's gray and looks pissed off all the time. You'll know it when you see it. I'm pretty sure that the phone is somewhere in the vicinity of Portland.

Also, if you're the person who got a hold of it and thought it would be funny to send text messages to my wife, I hope that you are either dead or on your way to being dead. Since you're the type of person who sends text messages to strangers, I'm assuming that the latter is the case. And I hope that you don't just die, but die a horrible death with venereal disease, thumbtacks, and that you receive routine punches to the face and/or sternum.