Everything I Know About Soccer

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, A. Jonathan Cox, why don't you tell us everything that you know about soccer?" Because I'm a know-it-all I promptly inform them that the actual name for the sport is "Football." We, as Americans, refuse to call the sport what the rest of the world calls it. We also refuse to use the metric system. It's all part of the elaborate tapestry that makes America awesome.

Now, aside from that, there are exactly three things that I know about soccer – and by soccer I mean football, and by football I mean soccer.

Thing Number One
For a man, David Beckham is pretty. There, I said it, it was something that needed to be said. And I say it with one hundred percent confidence in my heterosexuality, and definitely not in a gay way. More of a…I don’t know what...but it's not gay, whatever it is. Anyway - judging by his skin he probably exfoliates. Which I can say with 100% certainty, for a man to exfoliate, is weird. There's just something too Patrick Bateman-y about it.

I just re-read what I just wrote and it does come off gay, so...to which I say - his wife's hot, and I mean H-O-T. Yeah! High-five!

Thing Number Two
Arsenal has a cannon on their logo which, as an American, I can appreciate. There’s just something about random displays of firepower. Guns and cannons are not gay, definitely not gay, ergo Arsenal is the least gay soccer team and I will root for them every time. It's kind of if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers changed their name to the Tampa Bay Munitions Storage Locker. I'd root for them in that instance. As of now, I don't root for them at all.

Thing Number Three
Honestly, I only know two things about soccer. But starting off the post with "There are exactly two things that I know about soccer" doesn't work as well comedicaly as "three things". Three is a funnier number, ask anybody on the street, they'll tell you. Plus it makes me sound smarter if I say I know three things, when really I don't.

Ok...fine...let me think of something...Ok, I have one, here we go:

For some reason they tack on a couple of mystery minutes at the end of the match for no apparent reason. They like to refer to them as stoppage minutes, I like to refer to them as "why is the clock still running?" minutes. Seriously, stoppage minutes? What the hell is that? It's stupid is what it is. There, three things. Shove off.