Everything I Know About Soccer - World Cup Edition

A lot of people have been asking: "Hey, A. Jonathan Cox, what's up with the World Cup?" To which I say: "Way to be caught up on current events, it's been over for a while. Be patient, the next four years will fly by. But hey kid, keep your head up - here's the World Cup Edition of Everything I Know About Soccer!"

The World Cup (aka Shootouts and how to fix the World Cup)
This year was a World Cup year. In case you don't know - The World Cup is the premier soccer tournament that's such a pain in the ass to plan, schedule, train for, and play in that they only have it every four years. From what I understand, logistically speaking, it's impossible to do it any more than that, and no one really has the time. People have lives you know.

This year it was held in Germany. That's right! Germany! The same people responsible for Bratworst and who tried to take over the world - two times! Thousands upon thousands of people cram themselves into the country, where they drink beer, thumb through their Frommer's Guide and take pictures of each other in the memorial parking lot that's over Hitler's suicide bunker. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is across the street from the "Eva Braun Fashion Museum."

So, through the course of a month or so, these players play in a gazillion games and whittle the teams down from a thousand to two. Ok, I made that up, I have no idea how many teams they start out with, all I DO know is that half of them are from countries I'm sure don't exist.

Nonetheless, the field has been narrowed to two teams, neither of which were America. The two remaining teams are chock full of guys with massive lung capacity, zero body fat and can run like the dickens. In theory they're the best soccer...er...football players in the entire Universe. The. Universe. Think about that!

The final match between the two best teams ever to play the game (this year) is almost guaranteed to be exciting. Tension mounts. Faces are painted. Police in riot gear stand ready with their "fan whackers". The players take to the field, fit, rested, tanned and well groomed.

Then they start to play and play and play and play until the clock runs out. So far no one has managed to score, so they take a smoke break and have some espresso. Then they play a little more, and then a little more after that. Still no score, another smoke break, a little more espresso. After all that they resume play - but no! This time it's different, it's only one guy vs. the other teams goalie! Ooooh! Drama! Not so much! It's a shootout!

So..let me get this straight, these uber-athletes have to resort to the stupidest tie breaker ever - the shootout, where the team that wins is the team that shanks it the least. Weeee. Fun. As the casual soccer watcher, shootouts are one big fat bratwurst of a let down that go something like this:

Kick. Goalie dives the wrong way. Kick. Goalie dives the other way, but is still the wrong way because he's just guessing at this point. Kick. The ball zings over the net and into the crowd, goalie celebrates like he's perfected cold fusion and solved the worlds energy problems. Rinse, repeat. Yipee.

In the end, some guy with lots of vowels in his name wins for his team, who are comfortably resting on the sidelines with their cigarettes and espresso. It's stopped being a team effort so they're ready to go home. Wow. Exciting.

The Solution
Very simple. Play until someone scores and/or dies. No matter how long it takes. I'm willing to skip work to watch a nine hour soccer match, and I only "kinda" enjoy watching soccer. In the end, the team that wins will be the team with either (a) the most points, or (b) the most living players.