The Cloverfield Warning
I recently saw the motion picture "Cloverfield". You know, the one with the clever marketing campaign that made me think that this movie would be awesome and that for some reason JJ Abrams is genius. The warning warned me that going to the movie may upset my delicate stomach and cause my lunch to spontaneously reposition itself to the tops of my shoes. The warnings outside theaters showing Cloverfield were not nearly good enough. I have written a more appropriate warning notice that should be pasted at all theaters posthaste:
Dear theater patrons,
We regret that you have chosen to spend your afternoon watching this movie. But that is your decision, not ours - we'd much rather you watch that movie about the dresses. I don't know what it's about but it's got the knocked up broad in it and she has to show her gams sooner or later and we have to stay vigilant. Anyways, here are a few warnings for you to think about while you sit in line for Cloverfield and wonder where your life went wrong.
Warning (1): The filming style of Cloverfield is rubbish. Well, the "filming style" is fine - it's all shaky! neat! It's filmed in a way that is only clever to those who haven't seen The Blair Witch Project...and seriously, who hasn't seen The Blair Witch Project? If you haven't then you're too young to see this movie. Start forming a line for Horton Hears a Who or whatever.
Warning (2): If you're still with us, here is another warning. And it's with the actual film itself. So, if you want to be subjected to the worst "wedding testimonial" style film with shit characters and shit story and a monster that's straight from a video game (for some reason), then go for it bucko, this movie is for you.
Warning (3): Seriously, this movie is shit. If you still intend on sitting through nearly ninety minutes of celluloid watching hipsters in hip clothing and hip jobs run around looking off camera and insisting that they are doing something important and hip and that they are capable of doing more than growing sweet Don Johnson meets Chuck Norris style beards and looking forlorn. (I just reread the last sentence and it's totally awesome, they'll teach this style of writing to MFA students) But what you are actually seeing is an acting school exercise. Seriously, try it at home. Cloverfield Acting exercise: Your brother, that you apparently barely care about, died horribly and you're talking on your cell phone about it - ok, action! Wow. You moved me. See! You did great, now you too have what it takes to make it in the movies!
Warning (4): This movie will make you reevaluate your priorities. You'll go into the theater, wanting to see some kick ass monster doing some kick ass things and then some bull shit about humanity and the struggle to live on etc - this notion is a fantasy. After the first five minutes of the most awkward going away party ever, you'll want the monster to eat them and you'll want it to do it as soon as possible.
Warning (5): Don't expect to find out why the monster attacked New York. "just because it felt like it" was a good enough answer for all the guys in suits at the movie studios, so it should be good enough for you. Also, don't look for a lot of logic in this movie. Cell phone towers don't get overloaded, and only three people in all of New York think to hide in the subway. Sure. Why not.
Warning (6): You probably have high hopes for this movie, you have been duped.
Warning (7): Also, and this is the final warning, the camera moves around a lot, so if you get all pukey playing Forza or driving yourself to Ross to get some jeans, then you may get motion sick. I envy you, sir, and your motion sickness. At least you have something to look forward to. The rest of us have to watch this crap movie.
Warning (8): The coolest parts were in the previews. Going away party. Some dude named Rob. Monster. Fin. That's it. Yippeee.
Dear theater patrons,
We regret that you have chosen to spend your afternoon watching this movie. But that is your decision, not ours - we'd much rather you watch that movie about the dresses. I don't know what it's about but it's got the knocked up broad in it and she has to show her gams sooner or later and we have to stay vigilant. Anyways, here are a few warnings for you to think about while you sit in line for Cloverfield and wonder where your life went wrong.
Warning (1): The filming style of Cloverfield is rubbish. Well, the "filming style" is fine - it's all shaky! neat! It's filmed in a way that is only clever to those who haven't seen The Blair Witch Project...and seriously, who hasn't seen The Blair Witch Project? If you haven't then you're too young to see this movie. Start forming a line for Horton Hears a Who or whatever.
Warning (2): If you're still with us, here is another warning. And it's with the actual film itself. So, if you want to be subjected to the worst "wedding testimonial" style film with shit characters and shit story and a monster that's straight from a video game (for some reason), then go for it bucko, this movie is for you.
Warning (3): Seriously, this movie is shit. If you still intend on sitting through nearly ninety minutes of celluloid watching hipsters in hip clothing and hip jobs run around looking off camera and insisting that they are doing something important and hip and that they are capable of doing more than growing sweet Don Johnson meets Chuck Norris style beards and looking forlorn. (I just reread the last sentence and it's totally awesome, they'll teach this style of writing to MFA students) But what you are actually seeing is an acting school exercise. Seriously, try it at home. Cloverfield Acting exercise: Your brother, that you apparently barely care about, died horribly and you're talking on your cell phone about it - ok, action! Wow. You moved me. See! You did great, now you too have what it takes to make it in the movies!
Warning (4): This movie will make you reevaluate your priorities. You'll go into the theater, wanting to see some kick ass monster doing some kick ass things and then some bull shit about humanity and the struggle to live on etc - this notion is a fantasy. After the first five minutes of the most awkward going away party ever, you'll want the monster to eat them and you'll want it to do it as soon as possible.
Warning (5): Don't expect to find out why the monster attacked New York. "just because it felt like it" was a good enough answer for all the guys in suits at the movie studios, so it should be good enough for you. Also, don't look for a lot of logic in this movie. Cell phone towers don't get overloaded, and only three people in all of New York think to hide in the subway. Sure. Why not.
Warning (6): You probably have high hopes for this movie, you have been duped.
Warning (7): Also, and this is the final warning, the camera moves around a lot, so if you get all pukey playing Forza or driving yourself to Ross to get some jeans, then you may get motion sick. I envy you, sir, and your motion sickness. At least you have something to look forward to. The rest of us have to watch this crap movie.
Warning (8): The coolest parts were in the previews. Going away party. Some dude named Rob. Monster. Fin. That's it. Yippeee.
posted by A. Jonathan Cox at 8:51 PM
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