Sports Cars

When I see someone driving a fancy pants Ferrari I immediately think that (a) the driver cleary has hair plugs, low self esteem, father issues and (b) he's impotent and is on his way to dance lessons because all he can do for the ladies is dance for them.

...of course my oppinion would change if I could afford one...

An Open Letter to Men's Health Magazine's Marketing/Circulation Department

Dear Men's Health Marketing/Circulation Department;

I have a question about my subscription and I wasn't able to find an answer on your FAQ and your customer service hotline is not working at the moment.

Apparently I am supposed to receive my first issue of Men's Health shortly, which is where the problem lies - I never ordered a subscription to Men's Health and am not interested in receiving my first issue shortly, in a while, or ever for that matter. I'm sure that your magazine is fantastic and adored on a monthly basis by those with a strong interest in abs and/or people who are too modest to buy Maxim - unfortunately that is not me.

If this is some sort of clever marketing trick then it is a really super-efficient way to make sure that I never order your magazine or buy it at news stands. After receiving this invoice your magazine now ranks just below Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book on my "things to buy so that I can kill time at the airport until my airplane arrives/is fixed/takes off" list. Soduku and the latest Dan Brown book are very, very, immensely very, low on that list.

Now, I understand that you all have mortgages to pay, but duping people into thinking they have magazine subscriptions - when they don't - is dirty pool. Honestly it's enough to give someone a heart attack and run a credit check on themselves to see if someone has stolen their identity. The whole affair makes me wish, and wish very hard, that your marketing/circulation department suffers a terrible fate involving the itchiest of venereal diseases and the rustiest of thumb tacks.

Please advise.

Thanks,

A. Jonathan Cox

I'm not trying to steal your identity

I had to explain to a woman - who called me - at work the other day that I wasn't trying to steal her identity. Of course I probably shouldn't have told her right away that I secretly work at the behest of my father, a Nigerian King, who's money is tied up in the Nigerian legal system, and that I desperately needed her help to get it out of their. Shockingly she wasn't into it. Some people just don't want to invest $5,000 on a genuine money-making opportunity that could yeild a 1,000% return. Some people just don't have business sense.

How to tell if the radio DJ you're listening to is an asshole

How to tell if the radio DJ you're listening to is an asshole:

(1) He's a DJ

(2) He breaks in with news of the Beastie Boys new instrumental album and talks about it like the Boys are crazy and have never released an instrumental album before...the joke here is that they have and it's totally awesome. Best album the Boys ever put out. The In Sounds From Way Out. Get it now, thank me later.

Cinco De Mayo Pot Luck

At work we had a sign-up sheet for things we were bringing to our Cinco De Mayo potluck. I said I was bringing "two totally sweet side burns". No one else thought it was funny either.