What to do should Vampires take over your Junior College or University
What to do should Vampires take over your Junior College or University -
(1) Don't panic.
Sure, you may want to, but man don't do it. If the films of George A. Romero have taught us anything, it's that the guy with the cool head - if not killed immediately after bragging to his friends about how cool he is in a crisis - survives. He also usually survives with a babe who, after witnessing his coolness, is probably more than willing to sleep with him once all the business with the vampires is over.
(2) Garlic.
Load up on the Garlic. Good for repelling Vampires, girls. Apparently garlic has some caustic attributes in relation to vampires, which is too bad for them because garlic is a delicious addition to every meal. When dealing with vampires, the garlic product Gar-lique does not quite do the job. It does, however, keep your cholesterol in check - my suggestion is to carefully evaluate whatever is killing you the fastest, and then decide to use it or not.
(3) Wooden stakes.
Sticks with pointy ends are called stakes, at least that's what I've learned from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These, when used against vampires, cause said vampire to burst into flames. Vampires, if you do not know, are all about the "show" and are prone to over the top vaudevillian flare. There is an old vampire slogan, a slogan that is also shared with one Mr. Daffy Duck, which is - "Go out with a bang!"
There are some theories that vampires burst into flames because they are borne from the pits of Hell. This is faulty logic, vampires are all about vaudeville, baby, vaudeville. Sadly, "wood product" does not yield the same results as real wood. "Wood Product" is 90% glue, 10% wood - so you can go ahead and stop sharpening the legs of your Ikea coffee table right now.
(4) Vampires only attack at night.
This is true. Vampires have a skin disease that prevents them from going on murderous rampages during the day. When faced with sunlight vampires protest by bursting into flames and dying almost immediately. This is a handy fact, but becomes significantly less handy when you consider that this type of sleeping schedule is remarkably similar to that of the average Junior College or University student. Whereas the vampires use the daylight hours to catch up on some sleep, the average Junior College or University student is using this time to gather gold on World of Warquest or updating their MySpace accounts.
(5) Know your foe.
It's a good idea to brush up on your Vampire mythology, primarily the works of Anne Rice (don't get distracted by her earlier penis-centric novels, or her latest Jesus-centric novel). It is a well known fact that Vampires try and emulate their fictional cousins whenever possible. So if you see one acting un-vampirey, be sure and point it out to him - he'll appreciate it.
If you don't have the kind of time during a vampire attack to read books, you can also watch the Blade Trilogy or every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suggest the former for the laughs and the latter to learn the subtle intricacies of high school politics and why dating a Vampire is a bad idea.
(6) Compliments.
Vampires are notoriously moody/depressed individuals and often write poems about their feelings. So, if you're ever cornered by a mob of the blood thirsty beasts, try complimenting them on their fashion choices or skin or hair do or what have you. Remember, you get more flies with honey than vinegar...but you'd have to be a complete weirdo because flies are gross. The point is, try being nice, you never know what will happen.
(7) Don't drive.
If you think you've gotten away safely, don't drive anywhere. There will always be one unaccounted for Vampire in the back seat of your sedan. Always. And he'll be totally grouchy and won't respect you in the slightest for being an above average foe. Another option is to check the backseat before getting in your car. That might be the safest bet.
(1) Don't panic.
Sure, you may want to, but man don't do it. If the films of George A. Romero have taught us anything, it's that the guy with the cool head - if not killed immediately after bragging to his friends about how cool he is in a crisis - survives. He also usually survives with a babe who, after witnessing his coolness, is probably more than willing to sleep with him once all the business with the vampires is over.
(2) Garlic.
Load up on the Garlic. Good for repelling Vampires, girls. Apparently garlic has some caustic attributes in relation to vampires, which is too bad for them because garlic is a delicious addition to every meal. When dealing with vampires, the garlic product Gar-lique does not quite do the job. It does, however, keep your cholesterol in check - my suggestion is to carefully evaluate whatever is killing you the fastest, and then decide to use it or not.
(3) Wooden stakes.
Sticks with pointy ends are called stakes, at least that's what I've learned from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. These, when used against vampires, cause said vampire to burst into flames. Vampires, if you do not know, are all about the "show" and are prone to over the top vaudevillian flare. There is an old vampire slogan, a slogan that is also shared with one Mr. Daffy Duck, which is - "Go out with a bang!"
There are some theories that vampires burst into flames because they are borne from the pits of Hell. This is faulty logic, vampires are all about vaudeville, baby, vaudeville. Sadly, "wood product" does not yield the same results as real wood. "Wood Product" is 90% glue, 10% wood - so you can go ahead and stop sharpening the legs of your Ikea coffee table right now.
(4) Vampires only attack at night.
This is true. Vampires have a skin disease that prevents them from going on murderous rampages during the day. When faced with sunlight vampires protest by bursting into flames and dying almost immediately. This is a handy fact, but becomes significantly less handy when you consider that this type of sleeping schedule is remarkably similar to that of the average Junior College or University student. Whereas the vampires use the daylight hours to catch up on some sleep, the average Junior College or University student is using this time to gather gold on World of Warquest or updating their MySpace accounts.
(5) Know your foe.
It's a good idea to brush up on your Vampire mythology, primarily the works of Anne Rice (don't get distracted by her earlier penis-centric novels, or her latest Jesus-centric novel). It is a well known fact that Vampires try and emulate their fictional cousins whenever possible. So if you see one acting un-vampirey, be sure and point it out to him - he'll appreciate it.
If you don't have the kind of time during a vampire attack to read books, you can also watch the Blade Trilogy or every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suggest the former for the laughs and the latter to learn the subtle intricacies of high school politics and why dating a Vampire is a bad idea.
(6) Compliments.
Vampires are notoriously moody/depressed individuals and often write poems about their feelings. So, if you're ever cornered by a mob of the blood thirsty beasts, try complimenting them on their fashion choices or skin or hair do or what have you. Remember, you get more flies with honey than vinegar...but you'd have to be a complete weirdo because flies are gross. The point is, try being nice, you never know what will happen.
(7) Don't drive.
If you think you've gotten away safely, don't drive anywhere. There will always be one unaccounted for Vampire in the back seat of your sedan. Always. And he'll be totally grouchy and won't respect you in the slightest for being an above average foe. Another option is to check the backseat before getting in your car. That might be the safest bet.
posted by A. Jonathan Cox at 1:34 PM
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