An A. Jonathan Cox Guide to Making Horror Movies (Steps 4-7)

Step Four – The Crew
The crew is a punchy bunch. I suggest starting out by placing an ad in the “Gigs” section on Craigslist. In lieu of “money”, most of them will agree to be work for “copy,” “credit,” “meals,” “working with great & talented people,” “opportunity for paid jobs in the future,” and “networking oportunities.”

Also, never underestimate the power of an empty promise.

Step Five – The Director (aka the SECOND LEAST important step)
Lets face it; you’re not going to afford a “real” director for this kind of movie. So lets try the next best thing – Porn!

Preferably gay porn, as it turns out - gay porn directors will do anything to keep from getting pigeon-holed as the director of “Balls of Fire 2: Return to Man Island.”

Step Six – Location
Where can you find a place to double for Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Seattle and/or Las Vegas? That’s right - Bulgaria! Bulgaria is indeed a country, and not a made up one like Latvia or Mexico as I’d previously thought. Not to mention - the US dollar goes a long way there and they have relaxed child-labor laws – double bonus!

Step Seven – Filming
We can skip this part; you’re the producer and can’t be bothered with any of the problems that come with the actual “filming” of the movie. This is a step that can be successfully passed off on someone else, you're the producer which means everyone's your beyatch.

Besides, you’ve done enough work already and could use a good vacation. I suggest going to Aruba, they've got the worst cops in the world.

To Be Continued...