An Open Letter to Theater Goers who view movies at the Local AMC 12

Dear Theater Goers who view movies at the Local AMC 12,

The theater is not your living room, please, shut the fuck up. The rest of the theater would greatly appreciate it and will probably stop wishing you the most miserable of deaths.

But then again they might not.

Regards,

A. Jonathan Cox

Math

Amy Winehouse = weird looking. Also, I have no idea who she is.

Beyonce = I don't understand the appeal. Seriously, she does nothing for me. Her great, great, great, great, twice removed third cousin may have been a cat.

Lindsay Lohan = makes me sad in a sort of Christina-Riccis-character-from-Black-Snake-Moan-w/-way-more-money-and-fame-kind-of-way.

High School Musical 2 = High School Whatsical?

Me = Awesome. There, I said it. Deal with it.

My Dog = Pees everywhere where I don't want him to pee, but looks good doing it so he gets a pass.

Breaking News

Britany Spears' lawyer is hotter than Britany Spears. TMZ is all over it, though they're not taking the same angle on the story that I am, but whatever.

I have a sexy voice

I have it on good authority that the 84 year old ladies think I have a sexy voice - I found this out after spending ten minutes on the phone with an 84 year old woman who, at random, told me so. After that things went blurry and by the end of the phone call I may have agreed to mow her lawn this weekend and perhaps help her open some jars.

Also, she offered to take me to the Senior Center where we'll square dance the night away.

EDIT - I had to fix this because it was jibberish, or jibberesque to my hoity-toity readers.

EDIT - "hoity-toity" readers means my mom.

The iPhone

I will buy the iPhone only when it starts coming with the words "Don't Panic" in big friendly letters on the front. Or it gets incredibly cheaper. Whichever comes first. (this is not funny, I get that)

Actually I played with the iPhone at my local Cingular store and was nearly killed by the three different employees who asked me if I needed help. I felt like the bell of the ball. Or whatever the less Blanche Dubois-esque version of the previous sentance is. I was popular, there, lets put it that way. I still didn't buy an iPhone.

The End of the World

I'm pretty sure that the world is about to end, and here's why:

(1) Karl Rove is quiting/retiring this month. Rather than fall on the sword he's taking some time off. I'm sure we'll see him on the board of Halliburton in a matter of weeks. He's classy like that.
(2) Britany Spears is making Keving Federline look like the best, most sober, and most put together parent of the two of them. Fantastic, take a bow.
(3) My dog has finally stopped peeing in the house. Of course this may have something to do with the fact that I boxed him up and fed-exed him to the nearest bunch of gypsies, but it's still a win in the win column.

That's it. I've just got the three reasons but in my defense they're really fucking fantastic reasons.

PS I didn't really send my dog, via fed-ex, to the gypsies, but some days I give it some serious thought.

Conversation I had at Trader Joes

INT. TRADER JOES
I'm at the check-out line having just ran my credit card through the credit card gizmo and advised it that I would like ten extra dollars back.

CASHIER
Ten dollars back?

ME
Please.

CASHIER
How do you want it?

Slight pause.

ME
I was thinking cash. Yeah, cash would be good.

He didn't think it was very funny. I, however, laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Enzite

The video game channel - also known as G4 - runs the best commercials. Sometimes they run television programming, but mostly it's commercials. The best, other than the ones for the army and phone sex party lines, is an ad for a male enhancement product called Enzite. These ads are clearly made by people who are trying to see how much they can get away with and still have their commercials on t.v.

The best bits:

1. The background behind the product & the phone number is wood grain. (Wood - get it?)
2. The main character - Smiling Bob - if holding a bottle, golf club or any other fallic symbol, will be holding the biggest one. (subliminal!)
3. They actually showed the Smiling Bob doing yard work, carrying a long pipe between two round hedges in a wheelbarrel. (Ha!)
4. During a business meeting, Smiling Bob points to a graph - and it's pointing up with the word "gain" in big letters next to it. (gain!)

Brilliant.

Conversation I had at work

INT. OFFICE - Thursday at Three PM

COWORKER
I could use a drink, is it too early to drink?

ME
I don't think so, I've been drinking since nine.

COWORKER
Really? You're holding up well.

ME
(delivered w/ a grumbling hickup/fart sound)
High functioning alcoholic.

Then I stormed off like I needed to be somewhere. You had to be there, it was hilarious. The next day representatives from Human Resources lingered around my desk smelling my coffee cup. I'm flattered they took such an interest. If I wasn't so drunk I would have complimented them on their professionalism.

The Transformers Movie

I always like movies where the world is saved by actors whose day job is modeling underpants. Impossibly good looking people always come out good in the end. Oh, and the movie has some guy named Hon. Shia Leboufbaffbingbong, Esq., the III or something. That kind of name always looks good on the marquis.

Laptop computers

When ever my new computer betrays me* instead of trying to fix it I cry silently in my office and wonder why we did away with typewriters in the first place. After a good cry I look out my window at my neighbors whose computers are probably working just fine.








*At least once a day, seriously. I think Toshiba sold me a lemon.

On Drinking

It's easier to tell people you're a recovering alcoholic, rather than tell them you've stopped drinking because you're afraid it's making you fat.