Drugs, Sex and Vomit

I don't believe in worshiping famous people or athletes or Paris Hilton and hounding them for autographs or reading about them in magazines. What I do is much more pretentious, and three times more awesome.

What I do is I admire them from afar for their fancy lifestyles and "achievements". And by achievements I mean hot chicks they've gotten past second base with. Which is why I have recently chosen to admire Anna Nicole Smith. Not because she's dead, but how she died.

You have to admire someone who married a complete geezer and then took a bunch of drugs in lieu of taking his massive banking account and then got fat, got thin, went crazy(er), took more drugs, screwed a billion dudes, delivered a strange speech at an awards show, had a baby, took some more drugs, buried her other kid, took whatever drugs were prescribed to her "lawyer" and then died without leaving so much a note explaining where all the money is buried (or at the very least revealing who the father of her baby is). NOTE: That sentence is AWESOME, look at it, seriously, they don't teach that kind of writing.

Admit it, it's a fascinating way to go. I mean, just about anyone can die from cancer or heart disease or old age, but it takes a certain amount of class and evil-genius intelect to go out in a heap of drugs, sex and vomit.

If I ever die, which I won't, I hope to leave behind a path of weirdness, wrapped lovingly around a riddle, gently nudging an enigma in the back to see if it's feeling amorous.

Left Hand Words

Because I have a lot of misplaced energy that could be put to better use elsewhere, I have compiled a list of words that I can type using only my left hand on a standard QWERTY keyboard. Note that none of these words are capitolized, because I can't hit the "shift" key and the target key with the same hand...that requires some serious yoga of the old dedos.

(1) seatac - the airport. If you ever need to "google" seatac, give the right hand a rest, because this one's all left hand baby.

(2) stewardess - an antiquated word for "flight attendent". Apparently it's the longest left hand word on the books and it's a prude. "Flight attendent" is a both hands word, because "flight attendent" is a slutty, slutty word. Naughty, almost.

(3) car - yeah. Car.

(4) stretch - this one only works if you stretch your pointer to hit the "h". Bwahahahahahaheh...puns...

(5) asdfewsde - that's all lefty's work, stupid illiterate bastard.

And this joke has just run out of steam...

Words that I left out because I didn't think they were funny: stare, star, crate, create, crave, stave, street, tread, trade, tred, dread, cred, sted, far, tar, strafe, are, rare, rear, tear, vear, tea, tree, treat, rave, swear, wear, strade, crat, sfred, traveed, cradefq, freq, crzer, gerdfade...

I may have made some of those up, but they're lefties, so suck it.

The Hooha Monologues

In some parts, for some reason, the Vagina Monologues have been renamed the Hooha Monologues. It's true, although is it eerily similar to an old Lenny Bruce routine where he tried to find ways to advertise Las Vegas's bosom themed bars that didn't offend anyone. I do not believe he was arrested for this routine.

Anyway, apparently the name change was an attempt to make the production title slightly less offensive to house fraus and their children. So, instead of sparking a conversation about what a vagina is, they've sidestepped it completely by cleverly using a synonym. They have, in one fell swoop, eliminated the need for any embarassing conversations about what a vagina is, where babies come from, why Girls Gone Wild videos are so popular and why daddy doesn't talk to mommy any more and spends so much time at "work".

Unfortunately for the parents, they'll still have to explain what a monologue is, and you can't effectively discuss what a monologue is without explaining what a soliloquy is. And you can't explain what a soliloquy is without explaining why, in a theatrical production, one would want to perform one, when everyone knows it's better to "show" something rather than to "tell" them about it. You'd also want to add a bit about the elements of drama and probably have to perform scenes from Macbeth to really drive the point home.

Good luck with that, I'd rather explain the vagina.

Starbucks

It's virtually impossible to get into a Starbucks in the late morning, in the Suburbs, on a weekday. The house frau gangs totally shut that place down. You can tell you've walked into a house frau coffee shop by the rows of BMW and Infinity SUVs (freshly washed) parked in a row out front.

What ever you do, man, don't make eye contact, it's a sign of agression and they'll criticize you to death. Seriously. Beware of the house fraus.

Ways I Keep My Brain from Exploding

One of the ways I keep my brain from exploding is by convincing myself that Paris Hilton really isn’t dumb. I mean, after having a sexually explicit videotape hit the porn shelves, a reasonable person would destroy any other sexually explicit videos she may (or may not) be staring in to avoid any further embarrassment. Instead Paris Hilton packed them away in a storage locker, where they’d be safe from public viewing…until she defaulted on it and the contents were sold at auction. And now the new owner of said storage unit contents is selling them on the Internet for everyone to see. I don’t know exactly what’s in there, but I imagine there’s a lot of dolphins and unicorns drawn into the margins of paper, maybe some daisies.

Now, the part where my head keeps from exploding is this, I tell myself that the brain in her head is, in fact, not her brain at all, but is, in fact, the central processor from an Apple II-E, the height of personal computing in the early 1980’s. Sure, it doesn’t hold up now, but it seems to get the job done and keeps Paris Hilton in the news and renders her pretty much harmless, kind of annoying, but harmless. And it even wrote a book, something about being a princess or giving/getting herpes or being boy crazy or some other equally vapid topic.

I believe that the Government, seeing that her brain really packs a whollop and could be detrimental if it fell into the wrong hands, had it plucked out and stuck it in a jar, where it now sits deep in the basement of a Secret Government facility. I believe that these scientists, in their infinite wisdom, have hooked it up to a giant super computer and that that Paris Hilton’s brain and the super computer have joined forces. They’re like a nerdified version of the Justice League. Their days are chock full of brain fueled excitement, for breakfast they solve Rubik’s cubes, for lunch they invent the Internet and for dinner they work on their screenplay adaptation of A Confederacy of Dunces.

I also believe that together they may have also invented Soduku, but I don’t have any evidence for that one.

Big giant super brains are hot.

The Internet

There needs to be more nudity on the Internet. Someone should get on that.