The Food Network

The Food Network is Porn for fat people. Instead of a vicarious sexual experience, it's a sexual dining experience (I capitalized the "P" in Porn because I hold it in such high esteem) . After a sampling of Food Network programming, there's nothing more in the world you want more than a biscuit made of butter and then been deep fried in butter and finally served with a butter sauce.

An A. Jonathan Cox Guide to Making a Horror Movie (Steps 8-10)

Step Eight – Editing
We can also skip this part. By now, you’re just returning from your vacation with a duffle bag of amphetamines and a rockin' case of the Clap. So, off to the doctor with you, sir!

Step Nine – The Opening Weekend
As a horror movie remake, you’re going to do gangbusters the first weekend. On principle alone your movie will come in at first or second place at the box office. Who knew that remaking “I Spit On Your Grave” without anything in common with the original other than the title would be a good idea? You did baby, you did.

You can expect that superiors will praise you for doing a bang up job and take you out to expensive lunches. Get an appitizer! Have a drink! It's on their dime!

Step Ten – Damage Control (aka DVD Sales/Overseas)
There will be a steep, steep drop off after the first week. Your movie will probably be bumped off by the next computer animated childrens movie. This is to be expected.

Your superiors will grow suspicious of you and will no longer cc you on emails to each other. But that’s OK, you have a plan – release the movie overseas and on DVD posthaste!

Horror movies clean up on the DVD sales front. It turns out that the people who were too embarrassed to see it in the theater, or people who don't like to see movies alone will be the first to add it to the top of their Netflix queue.

Let's not forget that our movie is all action, little nudity and virtually without dialogue. This means it'll translate well for the overseas markets (see Die Hard, Armagedon, Texas Chainsaw Masacre etc...)

Congratulations!
You’ve successfully remade a horror movie – good for you kid! I knew you could do it! All you have to do now is sit back, put your feet up on your desk and wait for the money to roll in. I keep my money in big sacks with "$" on them because that's what Robert Evans does, I'm pretty sure.

An A. Jonathan Cox Guide to Making Horror Movies (Steps 4-7)

Step Four – The Crew
The crew is a punchy bunch. I suggest starting out by placing an ad in the “Gigs” section on Craigslist. In lieu of “money”, most of them will agree to be work for “copy,” “credit,” “meals,” “working with great & talented people,” “opportunity for paid jobs in the future,” and “networking oportunities.”

Also, never underestimate the power of an empty promise.

Step Five – The Director (aka the SECOND LEAST important step)
Lets face it; you’re not going to afford a “real” director for this kind of movie. So lets try the next best thing – Porn!

Preferably gay porn, as it turns out - gay porn directors will do anything to keep from getting pigeon-holed as the director of “Balls of Fire 2: Return to Man Island.”

Step Six – Location
Where can you find a place to double for Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Seattle and/or Las Vegas? That’s right - Bulgaria! Bulgaria is indeed a country, and not a made up one like Latvia or Mexico as I’d previously thought. Not to mention - the US dollar goes a long way there and they have relaxed child-labor laws – double bonus!

Step Seven – Filming
We can skip this part; you’re the producer and can’t be bothered with any of the problems that come with the actual “filming” of the movie. This is a step that can be successfully passed off on someone else, you're the producer which means everyone's your beyatch.

Besides, you’ve done enough work already and could use a good vacation. I suggest going to Aruba, they've got the worst cops in the world.

To Be Continued...

An A. Jonathan Cox Guide to Making Horror Movies (Steps 1-3)

So, you’re a medium-shot producer trying to make it to big-shot status. Good for you kid, I admire your ambition. Alas, to make that leap you need to make some changes in your movie-making career. Have you thought about a horror film? Or better yet, RE-making a horror film?

[Note: In the movie biz they're called "films." That's what separates you from the mongol hordes who call them "movies."]

Kick ass. Lets go!

Step One – Where to start? or "Source Material"
Try to find an original horror script that'll be scary enough to attract teenagers into the theater. Keep in mind that you don't want to find one that's not too scary or weird as to have your movie listed in their manifesto after they go on a shooting rampage (I'm looking in your direction Natural Born Killers). What you want is something that's going to get a PG-13 rating. The PG-13 rating is the MPAA g-spot.

Now, the goal with the script is to spend as little money as possible for it. Odds are you won’t be able to find an original one that you can afford, so let’s find a horror script for a movie that's already been made – preferably one your company already owns the rights to - (i.e. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Fog, The Hills Have Eyes, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Amityville Horror, The Omen, The Omen 2, House of Wax etc…)

Step Two – Rewrite (aka the LEAST important step)
Now that you have the script – it’s going to need to be updated, it turns out jokes about "Tab" and references to "cassette tapes" don't have much of a shelf life. Anyways, this kind of heavy lifting requires a writer.

I suggest finding a third tier screenwriter, preferably someone whose television show has just been cancelled and is now working as a temp or at Bob’s Big Boy. I believe that most of the writing staff on NBC’s recently cancelled “Windfall” work the night shift – so try there. Oh, you’ve never heard of the show “Windfall”? Don’t feel bad, neither has the rest of America.

Instruct the writer to make a few changes, such as: the heroine must somehow end up in a wet t-shirt, bikini and/or head-to-toe leather. She must also survive whatever calamity occurs in the movie, that way we can have a sequel. Oh, and the villian must survive, or a relative of the villian, or the villians clone, spore, cell gangila etc...

The actual “writing” period shouldn’t take more than an hour.

Step Three – Casting
This is possibly the most important step in the process. Remember, you have to cast male actors that appeal to teenage girls, and female actors that appeal to middle aged men. Be warned: this can be tricky and could seriously blow your budget straight to hell.

A good place start would be Ryan Reynolds, he'll be in anything that lets him take his shirt off. You could also try any actor from the show One Tree Hill, they've all got car leases to pay for.

If your budget allows for it you could try Mila Jovovich or Kate Beckinsale, both have a built-in male audience. If you don’t have that kind of money to spend - try the actress who played the T1000 in Terminator 3, I don't know her name, but she’ll be in anything – kick ass!

If your script calls for a tough female sidekick who dies at the end of the second act, it might be worth calling Michelle Rodriguez. She’s made a career out of playing “Vasquez” from Aliens in every movie she’s in. And on top of all that - she's classy!

You probably also need a big scary villain, so hire a professional wrestler or something, I don't know. If you've played your cards right there'll be too much cheesecake on the screen for anyone to care. Dress some PA's in masks and have them run around.

To Be Continued...

Grammar Issues

Dear Microsoft Word Grammar Check,

I am distressed to have to write to you at this late hour. I would have sent this by Post, but I have a keen distrust of the postal system and their stamp vending machines that provide change in the form of Susan B. Anthony dollars instead of regular dollars. I don't know who Susan B. Anthony is and, quite frankly, I don't think I want to.

At any rate, this letter is concerning your ability to effectively use the question mark. Now, I must confess that I do tend to play fast and loose with the comma, and you have indeed saved my neck from many embarrasing comma related blunders. But nonetheless, I have concerns.

Now, if you'd please take a look at the following sentence.

Sentence as Originally Written
"What?” asked James, irritated at being woken from what was starting to be a pleasant dream featuring a young Cindy Crawford.

Now, I think I know which part of that sentence requires the question mark. I have issolated it as the part that was the question (e.g. huh? what? que?) and quarentined it in quotation marks. Regardless, below is the sentence with your suggested punctuation.

Sentence with the Suggested Punctuation
"What?” asked James, irritated at being woken from what was starting to be a pleasant dream featuring a young Cindy Crawford?

As you can see, the first version makes complete sense, while yours is baffeling, confusing and - gramatically speaking - a tad excentric. Not since "Carl's Jr." have I seen more offensive and inappropriate use of punctuation.

I'm afraid that if we cannot resolve this issue, we may not be able to work together on future projects.

Sincerely,

A. Jonathan Cox

Things to Do Before I Die

As my annual birthday (as opposed to my bi-annual one) came and went this year I took a moment to reflect on my life, to analyze my accomplishments and failures and general outlook on life. Every year at my birthday I manage to convince myself that death is lurking in every dark corner, inside every cupboard and is behind the wheel every other car on the interstate. Nonetheless, I have realized (or realised, when I’m feeling European) that it is high time that I composed a list of things that I wish to do before I die.

Where to start? A momentous undertaking such as this requires the help of serious professionals. Writing down whatever idea catches my fancy certainly won’t do. That sort of haphazard goal setting is how we, as a society, collectively ended up with things like the Segway Scooter, Saved By the Bell: The College Years and Medicare Part D.

First - I consulted my local coalition of Sages, Luminaries, and Seers – to shed some metaphysical light on the subject. Their responses, although enlightening, weren’t germane to my quest. They told me that I’m a creative person and have a hard time expressing myself and any minute now fame and fortune are going to be coming my way. They also said that my dead grandfather’s first name starts with an “L” or a “J” or an “M” or perhaps a “B” maybe. Also, my lucky numbers are 3, 7, 19, 42, 88, Pi and 199.882. I have a feeling that they tell everyone that.

Second - I consulted the guidance of several local religious leaders, post-graduate level college professors as well as a number of experts in a wide variety of fields including Geology, Chemistry, Philosophy and a group of “String theory” physicists. Again, these visits were enlightening, but ultimately yielded little relevant information.

Lastly - I topped off the whole exercise by following in the steps of Carlos Casteneda and took a fist full of peyote caps and had a long and insightful conversation with a lizard.

It would be wise to note I used a photo of a lizard rather than an actual lizard because - and I didn’t realize this before I started all this - I’m afraid of lizards. I should also note that instead of peyote I took nighttime cold medicine because, as it turns out, I don’t know what peyote looks like.

So, without further ado…

A. Jonathan Cox's List of Things To Do Before (He) I Die(s):

(1) Salma Hyak