Another Reason I Don't Eat Spinach

According to my local news (guaranteed to be 85% accurate, 45% of the time) a bazillion prepackaged bags of Spinach are being recalled because of some rockin' e. coli.

Now, if I remember correctly, e.coli is an ambitious little bacteria that lives the high life in poop. These little fellows settle down, start families, get jobs, pay taxes to the bacterium "man", and complain about how they don't understand what got into their wives all of a sudden - all while inside the lower instestines of mammals. And then eventually in that mammals poop.

The lesson here is - don't eat the spinach because there's probably poop on it.

Reasonable Reactions to the Segway Scooter Thingy Recall

Apparently Segway is recalling 23,500 of their scooter thingys to fix some software glitch that turns them into evil killing machines. Kind of like in Maximum Overdrive, only sans Emilio Estevez, Yeardly Smith and Semi Trucks. And they don't actually kill people, they pop into reverse turning them into evil "harder to drive than usual machines."

But...anyways, there are two acceptable reactions that a reasonable person should have to this terrifying news-

Acceptable Reaction Number One: "They seriously sold 23,500 of those things? Seriously? No shit?"

Acceptable Reaction Number Two: "Maybe they should try driving a Vespa, or something of equal or greater nerdiness! Yeah! Or better yet, get a car like a normal person. Ha ha, stupid rich nerds! Yeah! Take that!"

Everything I Know About Soccer - World Cup Edition

A lot of people have been asking: "Hey, A. Jonathan Cox, what's up with the World Cup?" To which I say: "Way to be caught up on current events, it's been over for a while. Be patient, the next four years will fly by. But hey kid, keep your head up - here's the World Cup Edition of Everything I Know About Soccer!"

The World Cup (aka Shootouts and how to fix the World Cup)
This year was a World Cup year. In case you don't know - The World Cup is the premier soccer tournament that's such a pain in the ass to plan, schedule, train for, and play in that they only have it every four years. From what I understand, logistically speaking, it's impossible to do it any more than that, and no one really has the time. People have lives you know.

This year it was held in Germany. That's right! Germany! The same people responsible for Bratworst and who tried to take over the world - two times! Thousands upon thousands of people cram themselves into the country, where they drink beer, thumb through their Frommer's Guide and take pictures of each other in the memorial parking lot that's over Hitler's suicide bunker. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is across the street from the "Eva Braun Fashion Museum."

So, through the course of a month or so, these players play in a gazillion games and whittle the teams down from a thousand to two. Ok, I made that up, I have no idea how many teams they start out with, all I DO know is that half of them are from countries I'm sure don't exist.

Nonetheless, the field has been narrowed to two teams, neither of which were America. The two remaining teams are chock full of guys with massive lung capacity, zero body fat and can run like the dickens. In theory they're the best soccer...er...football players in the entire Universe. The. Universe. Think about that!

The final match between the two best teams ever to play the game (this year) is almost guaranteed to be exciting. Tension mounts. Faces are painted. Police in riot gear stand ready with their "fan whackers". The players take to the field, fit, rested, tanned and well groomed.

Then they start to play and play and play and play until the clock runs out. So far no one has managed to score, so they take a smoke break and have some espresso. Then they play a little more, and then a little more after that. Still no score, another smoke break, a little more espresso. After all that they resume play - but no! This time it's different, it's only one guy vs. the other teams goalie! Ooooh! Drama! Not so much! It's a shootout!

So..let me get this straight, these uber-athletes have to resort to the stupidest tie breaker ever - the shootout, where the team that wins is the team that shanks it the least. Weeee. Fun. As the casual soccer watcher, shootouts are one big fat bratwurst of a let down that go something like this:

Kick. Goalie dives the wrong way. Kick. Goalie dives the other way, but is still the wrong way because he's just guessing at this point. Kick. The ball zings over the net and into the crowd, goalie celebrates like he's perfected cold fusion and solved the worlds energy problems. Rinse, repeat. Yipee.

In the end, some guy with lots of vowels in his name wins for his team, who are comfortably resting on the sidelines with their cigarettes and espresso. It's stopped being a team effort so they're ready to go home. Wow. Exciting.

The Solution
Very simple. Play until someone scores and/or dies. No matter how long it takes. I'm willing to skip work to watch a nine hour soccer match, and I only "kinda" enjoy watching soccer. In the end, the team that wins will be the team with either (a) the most points, or (b) the most living players.

Everything I Know About Soccer

A lot of people ask me, "Hey, A. Jonathan Cox, why don't you tell us everything that you know about soccer?" Because I'm a know-it-all I promptly inform them that the actual name for the sport is "Football." We, as Americans, refuse to call the sport what the rest of the world calls it. We also refuse to use the metric system. It's all part of the elaborate tapestry that makes America awesome.

Now, aside from that, there are exactly three things that I know about soccer – and by soccer I mean football, and by football I mean soccer.

Thing Number One
For a man, David Beckham is pretty. There, I said it, it was something that needed to be said. And I say it with one hundred percent confidence in my heterosexuality, and definitely not in a gay way. More of a…I don’t know what...but it's not gay, whatever it is. Anyway - judging by his skin he probably exfoliates. Which I can say with 100% certainty, for a man to exfoliate, is weird. There's just something too Patrick Bateman-y about it.

I just re-read what I just wrote and it does come off gay, so...to which I say - his wife's hot, and I mean H-O-T. Yeah! High-five!

Thing Number Two
Arsenal has a cannon on their logo which, as an American, I can appreciate. There’s just something about random displays of firepower. Guns and cannons are not gay, definitely not gay, ergo Arsenal is the least gay soccer team and I will root for them every time. It's kind of if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers changed their name to the Tampa Bay Munitions Storage Locker. I'd root for them in that instance. As of now, I don't root for them at all.

Thing Number Three
Honestly, I only know two things about soccer. But starting off the post with "There are exactly two things that I know about soccer" doesn't work as well comedicaly as "three things". Three is a funnier number, ask anybody on the street, they'll tell you. Plus it makes me sound smarter if I say I know three things, when really I don't.

Ok...fine...let me think of something...Ok, I have one, here we go:

For some reason they tack on a couple of mystery minutes at the end of the match for no apparent reason. They like to refer to them as stoppage minutes, I like to refer to them as "why is the clock still running?" minutes. Seriously, stoppage minutes? What the hell is that? It's stupid is what it is. There, three things. Shove off.

Walls

Living in Southern California, there is a lot of talk about putting up some sort of wall between America and Mexico. This is a fantastic idea and, historically speaking, walls always work, no matter how many times they don't. Keep in mind we're talking about an actual physical wall, rather than the cultural, linguistic and economic wall that we currently have.

Refusing to learn from the mistakes of our past, lets continue marching forward with this "build a wall" idea.

You're probably saying "Hey A. Jonathan Cox, how have walls worked in history?" And here are the only examples I can think of, of which there are two.

One - The Great Wall of China
This is a mondo wall built by slaves to separate China from the invading hordes that threatened China's general well being. The wall was built in sections and a lot of these sections didn't meet up. The more forward thinking fellows of the time saw this as an opportunity to eventually attract tourists to China...700 years later, but that's not the point. Allegedly the wall can be seen from Space, as I've never been to Space I can not verify this claim. All in all, the wall worked out all right for China. It didn't keep out the invading hordes per say, but it did keep out the menacing deer and other blood thirsty animals who routinely igonored Chinas borders - no matter how many times they were asked to keep to themselves. Well done wall.

Two - The Berlin Wall
Finally, success! We finally have a wall that worked. The jury is still out on whether it was the wall that worked, or if it was because of the hard work of the armed guards, eager to fill anyone who got too close with bullets, who patrolled the wall in regular intervals. Nontheless, the East Germans were effectively separated from the West Germans and I'm sure both sides were happier for it. You keep your weird ideas on your side of the country, we'll keep ours on our side. That's logic you can't argue with. Ideas are toxic and should be quarentined. However it should be noted that from a PR standpoint the wall was a complete failure. Turns out it's hard to put a possitive spin on armed guards. Apparently once your body has been riddled with bullets, it's hard to think back on the whole afair fondly. I don't know why. Poorly done, wall.

So, in summary, a wall between countries is a good idea no matter how many times in history it has clearly been a bad idea.

A Letter of Concern...

Dear whoever is responsible for the Apple Computer ads featuring former McSweeney’s contributor and current "Daily Show" expert John Hodgman,

Your ad campaign is really wonderful, the use of white space, the juxtaposition of the nerdy PC and the hip Apple – portrayed by John Hodgman and that kid who was on that show with the lawyer who owned a bowling alley for some reason. You certainly don’t need me, a lone voice on the interweb, to tell you the commercials are wonderfully composed and executed. If you haven’t treated yourselves to fancy drinks at one of those restaurants that refuse to cut the lettuce in their Caesar Salad - no matter how many times you ask - then you should, sirs, you should.

You have done well and should be proud of yourselves. And, as I’m sure you know, your ads were recently parodied on VH1’s Best Week Ever, which is the next best thing to getting a Cleo. Lets not mention the parody on G4's Attack of the Show featuring adorable hosts what's-his-name and what's-her-name. Sirs, you have found the Golden Fleece. You’ve squeezed the proverbial Charmin; you’ve squeezed it but good.

However, sirs, your ads concern me. Your ads appear on my television two, three, maybe four dozen times a night (kudos Media Buying team! kudos!). Honestly, I have no idea what your computers are about. I know they utilize some sort of “dual core” processor, which sounds both fancy and frightening, whatever it is.

I have concluded that the computers - no, all Apple products - look as though they were sent backwards through time, as though they are a gift from scientists the future, which is awesome. But aside from such novelty, how can I, a common computer user, find use for your computers in my life?

How will your fancy computer effect my video game playing? Will using your computer make me a better strategist in epic middle earth battles against tyranical teenagers in far away lands? Will my army of blood thirsty Orcs conquer their army of blood thirsty Orcs - because of your fancy space-aged gizmo? Will your computers help me crush the hopes and dreams of my opponents? No, I think not.

What about going on the “information super highway”? Will your computer aid me in downloading video clips that abridge Halle Berry’s Oscar winning performance in "Monsters Ball" to the one minute and thirty eight second long sex scene with Billy Bob Thornton? What if I want to watch Chloë Sevigny orally service Vincent Galo in the "The Brown Bunny" without having to endure the entire film? What can you do for me in that regard? Hmmm???

After many sleepless nights and dozens of dollars spent consulting neighborhood psychics and/or palm readers, I have come to the realization that I am not cool enough to purchase one of your computers. Though fancy they may be, I am afraid that I am not fancy enough.

I am glad that we were able to have this talk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to the local record shop and buy the first pop album I come across that feature a singer that’s dressed like a prostitute, I’m looking in your direction Christina Aguilara.

Sincerely,

A. Jonathan Cox

Clever Retorts Should I Ever Appear As A Contestant of Mtv’s “Yo Mamma.”

Should my puny opponent’s mother be an Astrophysicist with crazy ideas and long legs
Your mother, sir, is the Ann Coulter of science! Take that!

Should my puny opponent's mother be a Cylon
Your mother, sir, is an exciting plot twist in an all ready exciting show! I anticipate your inevitable role in a complicated scheme to destroy the human race! Kaplow!

Should my puny opponent’s mother be a contestant on Rockstar: Supernova
Your mother, sir, sings like a broken baby piano that has been run through a giant blender and then fed through a running diesel engine! And, if I may be so vulgar, your mother has fantastic bosoms! I think someone's new stepdad is going to be Tommy Lee - and I think that "someone" is YOU! Zing!

Should my puny opponent’s mother be Jar Jar Binks
Your mother, sir, is the most annoying character in the Star Wars Universe! And I'm including the Ewoks in this comparison! And young Anakin from Episode One! Kapow!

Should my puny opponent's mother be Political Pundit Tucker Carleson now that he's agreed to appear on Dancing with the Stars
Your mother, sir, has said a big "Hello!" to 15 minutes of fame and a big "Adios!" to journalistic or professional crediblity! For shame, sir, for shame!

Should my puny opponent’s mother be Nicole Richie
Your mother, sir, needs to have a sandwich once in a while! Seriously! No seriously, I'm not kidding. I used to think the last thing I wanted to see on a woman was vapid media-whorishness, but it's not - it's sternum. Oh, no I di'nt!

Paris Hilton Gets A Dewie

So, Paris Hilton got a dui the other day. Somewhere, on or around planet Earth, Tara Reid is drinking, laughing, drinking, laughing, drinking, farting, crying, drinking and barfing in the back of her throat. And then finishes off the whole afair by "accidentally" showing her bosoms while falling off a table.

Helpful Tips for Living in or Around Los Angeles

Drive as though your life depends on it, because it does.

There are only a few reasons to walk anywhere in Los Angeles - 1) you can't afford a car, 2) you're a drunk and that dick judge took your license away, or 3) you're some sort of deranged weirdo/ax murderer. Seriosly, get a car.

Odds are you’re fat and everyone in Los Angeles knows it. Everyone in front of you Starbucks has less than 3% body fat, what's your excuse? That's what I thought, get to the gym - fatty. Or try skipping Starbucks once in a while, those things are calorie bombs.

If you want to see that guy who was in that one commercial you saw that time, or that lady who was the cop on that show you watched with your girlfriend last night, move to Burbank.

The hometown of your youth may have had a sky of blue - that's adorable, but passé. In Los Angeles, the sky is brown. Brown is the new blue. Blue sky is for losers, and Los Angeles is not for losers.

In your hometown, automobiles are powered by gasoline. This is not true in Los Angeles, where automobiles are powered by hopes/dreams.

That pornographic video you’re watching was most likely filmed down the street from your apartment building.

Get headshots. For some reason these are very important in Los Angeles. You may be required to present them while interviewing for the most mundane jobs. Or any job listed in the "Gigs" section on Craigslist.

People/Things I'd like to see UFC Champ Chuck Lidell fight in the next UFC Pay-per-view special

(1) Joe Rogan
(2) Autism
(3) The "Or your matress is freeeeeeeee!" guy
(4) Poverty
(5) Megatron
(6) The War on Terror
(7) A donkey

Things to get from Outer Space, other than 120 comercial free radio stations

(1) Directions to that restaurant that you've heard of but have never actually seen
(2) A feeling of disappointment once you realize that Outer Space is a bunch of lies perpetrated by the "Outer Space" lobby
(3) Second base from Janice Truman after pointing out the constellation Orion
(4) Herpes

Effective C-Blocking Techniques Number 1 - "Hey, that's my wife."

Disneyland is totally awesome and I wish that I lived there, instead of my regular house in my regular neighborhood. My neighborhood doesn't have nearly as many rollercoasters as I think it should have, but that's beside the point.

The wife and I were having the most fun we'd had since we were eight years old. Disneyland is located in So Cal, which means that it was hotter than the inside of the sun and we were thirsty from all the fun we were having.

Being a gentleman, I let my wife take a load off on a bench whilst I sped off to spend 2.75 for a bottle of water. We just happened to be in the one part of Disneyland that didn't have a water vendor in the immediate area, Frontier Land, and I had search far and wide for a vendor. I believe I had to actually leave Frontier Land which irritated me to no end. On a side note I have serious doubts as to the historical accuracy of Frontier Land.

Anyway, when I returned to my wife, who at this point in the story it would be wise to point out that she's much hotter than I am and completely out of my league. Alas, fresh Dasani bottle in hand, I saw a teenager had sat next to her and seemed to be chatting her up. I made my way over to the wife to hear her tell the young chap that she was visiting the greatest place on earth with her husband, and pointed in my direction with her cigarette. I said hello to the young man and introduced myself, to which he made a hasty retreat. C-block check and mate, my hormone filled friend.

Better luck next time, I hope you don't get herpes.